This is the “Kinja user meets non-fawining AV review” comment I knew would happen post Kinjapocolypse. Need a tummy rub?

If you’re telling me that a record from the dudes from Cypress Hill, Audioslave, and Public Enemy is bad...I would believe you.

Inbradequate

What, you don’t want that guy mansplaining sex positivity to you?

Looks like someone had fun with the Saints Row Create-a-character mode!

“But it’s the midwest! My small trust fund should allow me to buy vast tracts of land!”

The second Reese Witherspoon draws a dollar sign on a cocktail napkin and the first Reese Witherspoon says “Oh yeah, that’s why.”

Let’s be clear here. It’s a Martian slave colony. Don’t lump us in with those other freaks.

You start one Martian Sex Colony and all the sudden you’re “colluding with America’s enemies.”

No, he’s got it right. Should have been posted at 28 to 3.

Why this wasn’t posted at 2:32 PM i’ll never know.

My hat is off to the amazing job the marketing team have done on this movie. I can’t think of any Stephen King adaptation so hotly anticipated by people who’ve never heard of King.

“Hey JD, it’s me! Your cousin, Marvin Salinger! You know that new narrative voice you’ve been looking for? Well, listen to this!”

If you’re playing by this movie’s rules, you should find a pen you’re not using and hurl it.

1 person in 10 years. Sounds like a destination wedding spot to me!

Really makes my dad’s favorite way to threaten me, “I’ll hit you so hard your great grandkids will feel it,” seem way more fucked up.