“Let he among us who hasn’t accidentally downloaded a Nazi for political advertising purposes cast the first stone.” -Jesus

Hell, I used one for my passport photo. Makes for some awkward moments at the airport, I can assure you.

I want to go on Amazing Race and say that I’m out of shape and incapable of solving puzzles.

Les Stroud (Survivorman) doesn’t bring any crew with him, so he is actually alone and needs to you know, survive, and I don’t think he even eats live animals. Fuck Bear Grylls.

First of all, why are we sleeping near wood ants?

Bear Grylls is the Dane Cook of survival experts.

yeah, NEVER go down on somebody who won't kiss you afterwards.

I drive a Yaris, but the trunk is surprisingly roomy if you need help moving the body rehoming her.

1. Own or rent property with a private beach.

1 oz vodka

Worried ... Or that your male partners would be intimidated by your vibrator usage?

I think it’s odd that they refer to him as “a former accountant” Is he unemployed now? It’s not like he’s the former President or a former priest. This fact is so unimportant.

You’d think it’d be slim pickings for a panty thief in Scotland.

I saw Hitchcock’s documentary. I have never trusted birds. They are foul creatures. They’ll follow you into a goddamn phonebooth and peck out your friggin eyeballs!

Head to Nellie’s. It is the best sports bar and best gay bar in DC.

No, it’s weird. I’ve noticed it, too. I’m American and it’s not an American thing. It’s just a strange movie thing, and it drives me insane.

Yeah but they’re also real people who like to overshare fun moments where they feel good (and maybe think other people will dig) just like us. I prefer to think of it that way because the icky feelings often feel like more a reflection of myself rather than the celebrity.

The hottest new thing in Moniga del Garda is La Scaletta. It has everything. Waiters that whisper the specials breathlessly in your ear, pizza cubes, chairs made of shitty tippers, entitlement cocktails, lamps that look like upside-down boobs, ice with messages inside about everything you did wrong in your childhood,…

The timing on this article was perfect. I was just about to call my friend and ask how Amanda Seyfried’s eggs were doing, but you’ve saved me the trouble.

LOL. You’ve got some convincing ladies on your hands.