see this kind of story is why I lose my mind if my period’s two weeks late even though I haven’t seen a dick in a year

I totally lost it at “hair-colored.” OMG, that is wonderful.

I guess they doubted her commitment to straightening lotion.

I’m pretty sure Jesus never saw a single snowflake in his life or knew that snow exists.

#blackcoffeematters

As an Anglican, I'm pretty fucking angry it isn't purple. Let's put Christ back into the Advent penitential season, people.

Remember kids: Black Lives Matter is a bunch of whiners who are looking for reasons to be offended. The real oppression is a lack of Christmas iconography on your coffee cups.

I don’t know. They may have a point. Those cups don’t look anything like the ones Jesus drank his Gingerbread Lattes out of.

Apparently in Texas you do not have to identify yourself to the police unless you are under arrest. So if they arrested her for not identifying herself, they got the law backwards.

Why is everyone always having Gatsby-themed birthday parties and weddings? That book is about terrible people being terrible! All of Gatsby’s fabulous parties are just a cover for his miserable, lonely life built on a foundation of lies! It is not an aspirational tale!

If I were rich I might blow all my money on sparkly dresses.

I have a soft spot for him bc of Wayne’s World. “Milli-wau-kay!”

My claim to fame for many years was that I served Alice Cooper £8-worth of Pick ‘n’ Mix at my cinema as he was on his way to watch Wallace & Gromt: The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit. We had a nice chat about fruit machines, and how Glaswegians call them ‘puggies’. Supremely nice human being.

I used to live in Santa Monica, California and there’s this place called Bay Cities Deli on Lincoln Blvd that has the best freakin’ sandwiches EVER! I’m not kidding - if you try to go during lunchtime to get one, good luck. You’ll have anywhere between 30-40 people in front of you, but I digress.

And a sra memenay to you too, sir. I’m way too amused by this.

I mean, people can want whatever kind of butt they want, but take it from a lady with a giant booty: You will never find properly fitting pants again. Ever. In your life. Or you might, but they’ll cost you a kidney.

So basically a Hot Pumpkined Rum?

So, if I maybe wanted to make a batch of pumpkin lard, and then just eat it with a spoon, that wouldn’t be weird at all, right?

I second this - Gronk truly does have a clam demeanor

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M MAKING THIS UP!? I REALLY DID STAB SOMEONE FOR CHANGING THE CHANNEL ON THE TV! NOW ELECT ME PRESIDENT DAMMIT BECAUSE I HAVE A CALM DEMEANOR THAT WILL GUIDE OUR GREAT NATION TO PROSPERITY!