You really should check out Lizzie Borden's house. It's offensively tacky. There's a sign above the stairs that says "Watch your head. There have already been two fatal head injuries in this house." The puns alone could kill someone else any day now.

That's me. Please introduce me to this man. I have trouble finding guys like him.

I tried to watch the video but after sitting through a 30-second ad, it said "an error occurred." It seems that sums up her performance (and career) so I didn't bother to refresh.

What if a boner happens?

When I was in high school, my best friend's brother never flushed. I think he was proud of his amazing dumps. Because he never flushed, I saw a lot of them.

If I were an American Girl doll, my Instantgram account would be flooded with so many pictures of that one time Rich took me to lunch.

Emmy Rossum describes my perfect birthday.

My stars! These make the Cleveland Steamer sound downright quaint.

I think one of Robin Williams's greatest talents was his ability to transcend age groups. I loved "Mrs. Doubtfire" so when I was ten ("It was a run-by fruiting!") and then didn't see it again for another fifteen years. Watching it later, I was amazed at how funny it was for completely different reasons. ("She uses it…

Spengler = Kristen Wiig

Two things: 1. I hate when other gay men tell me vagina jokes and expect that I'll laugh at them, and then act like I'm a humorless troll when I don't.

I don't like the exclamation point in the title. It makes it look like we're all legit excited for Peter Pan Live!

Hairy men do it better.

Considering how much debt I have, I'd have taken that risk. Glad you survived!

Holy shit. I much prefer being objectified in a "friend" way instead of a "corpse" way.

Oh, I scroll past that a lot. I'll check it out.

When I was in college, so many of my younger female classmates wanted to be friends with "a gay." I was *not* that gay. Once, one of them ran up to me and grabbed my arm, clinging to me like a barnacle. I shook her off into a bush, but she kept coming back.

I just discovered that I watched Hey Dude a lot more than I thought I did. Listening to theme song for the first time in what has to be at least twenty years, I remembered every. single. word.

My teen years were so fucked up, being gay in Mississippi was the least of my problems. Still, it was a problem. At fifteen, I'd resigned myself to dying alone. My first crush was a boy a year older than I was. He went by his middle name, which was actually a brand of shampoo. (I called him Pert Plus for years as a…

I think by "people like me" she basically means, "human." We don't see enough those on TV. Or anywhere. Love you, Merritt!