You should probably not get married.

A man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

It’s a floor cleaner AND a dessert topping.

He should just take what he needs from their boutiques and salons until he’s back on his feet.

Sure he’d be pissed. Right now she doesn’t want sex- fine- but that changes it to she doesn’t want sex with him. which is fucked up.

Yeah, but what’s her take on a 4-3 defensive scheme with Manti Te’o at the Mike?

It’t not his fault, they just got confused when he told them there was money in his banana stand. OK, maybe they weren’t confused.

Holy fuck, that’s just fucking awful. One of the best pitchers I’ve ever seen. Look at these fucking performances. No skin in any of the teams he played for, just saddened at the loss of a guy I truly enjoyed watching.

In season 3 of Stranger Things, a vast conspiracy is out to prove that El’s birth certificate was doctored. When one of the main conspirators rises to be president, it’s El and The Party vs. the entire force of the US Government, whose dangerous incompetence has released something terrible ...

Irsay: we partyin or waht

Tom Benson: new phone who dat?

I say we put birth control in the water (and beer) for the next 5 years til we can figure this shit out.

Child support should have a maximum amount. $6,400 tax free is a pretty good chunk of change. Kids don’t get more expensive just because the father is rich.

All I can say is thank goodness the 3-HR playoff game against the Red Sox was not done by a Yankee. They’d make a cereal, candy bar, and children’s book to commemorate it.

Because he didn’t want to and nobody made him.

I’m pretty sure he absolutely despises this part of the job and most likely has to be forced/fooled into actually doing it. Think about it, a man that openly despises the poor, colored or handicapped?

Limoncello. Because I’m studying up to be a drunk Danny DeVito for halloween.

Federica Pellegriniis trains using a new technique. She trains in a pool of carbonated bubbly water. Her coaches claim the water is naturally sparkling, but we know the truth.

Well, uh, without details I can only speak in generalities, but . . .

Question one: Are you married to a woman? If the answer is “yes,” you’re married to a psychopath.