I used to be able to imagine being a conservative Christian like this shooter, back when I naively believed they actually had principles and standards and could be reasoned with.

Sorry, but fuck you.

As far as I’m concerned, Nosferatu already had a GREAT remake. It was just called Shadow of the Vampire.

I get it. Until recently, I was teaching college freshmen, and I asked a classroom full of them what their personal memories of 9/11 were.

There’s these three guys riding camels through the desert, and they encounter a sand dune. One goes right, one goes left, and the third stubborn guy goes right up over the top. As his luckless camel skids down the other side, they have a near-collision with a fornicating camel couple on the way down, who break apart…

“Pro-illegal abortion.”

A Jewish student of mine who I’ve had for multiple semesters showed up to class last spring with a big bruise on his face, and I asked him what happened. He didn’t want to say at first, but then admitted he’d been in a fight. I asked him why.

He was so fucking happy about it that it warmed the cockles of my heart a little.

Part of it is because juvenile detention is such a useless shithole in the red state of Wisconsin that putting them in the adult system is they only way the girls can get access to some of the mental health options.

“Girlfriends” is used by some to indicate friends who are girls, and does not necessarily indicate a sexual or romantic relationship. i.e., “I’m going out with my work girlfriends this weekend.”

I’m trying to remember who it was who pointed out that you can’t impose term limits for lobbyists, essentially handing them the governmental reins. Was that Kaine?

As a big butch bitch who towers over most people, I fucking loved Janet Reno’s Dance party - am I okay with women like me being portrayed by Will Ferrell? Hells, yes - and I just about creamed my jeans when Reno herself showed up for the last dance party.

I had my first OB/GYN visit when I was twelve years old, because I was menstruating constantly. Which was, you know, pretty traumatizing in and of itself. Now, in retrospect, she was a pretty good gynecologist during my adolescence - always warmed up all the instruments and kept hand puppets on the stirrups. But I was…

I liked it, though I agree it was disjointed and miles away from the best Guest. I am exactly boorish enough to laugh hysterically at a nimbly dancing turd, and exactly nerdy enough to yell at the TV, “This is a parody of Laurie Anderson’s ‘O Superman!’” during the Armadillo performance.

I will sit through basically anything for that man. I still want him to play Corey Lewandowski in the inevitable made-for-TV movie version of the Trump campaign.

I want to menstruate all over that furniture.

The Stephen King novel Cujo has an entire subplot revolving around a cereal that has a problem with its red dye, making kids puke and poop bright red. It’s a huge disaster for the cereal and its advertising agency, because everyone thinks their kids are puking blood.

I’m an unusually tall woman, and I love big stacked heels. Towering gives me pleasure. I like playing the mental game of “Am I the tallest person in this room right now? YES I AM.”

Age thirteen, The Crying Game, with my folks.

On the other hand, I found “accidentally lost a Porsche” to be hilarious.