Neither of those pictures was in a newspaper. Whoops, sorry, I meant a family newspaper. Musn't forget that. The good old Currant Bun is fun for all the family! (Wait, are there women in families?)

Except they're really not pretending very hard and the joke is entirely on the woman. Here's Gemma, 21, from Luton, and here are Gemma from Luton's breasts. She's a glamour model, which of course means she's an airheaded bimbo who doesn't care about anything but X Factor and shagging a footballer, and the idea that…

No it doesn't and that's really not how it works since literally all you have to do to start leveling this playing field is pay attention to non-white, non-male creatives who are already out there telling their stories and sharing their talents... but thanks for playing.

I'm still bitter that Apocalypse Now lost out to Kramer Versus Kramer. The Academy definitely has a race problem but it also has a 'really shitty taste in movies' problem, and a marked tendency to pass over genuinely amazing films for trendy 'issues' pics.

Curses, how did you know?! After suggesting that just maybe industry-specific awards should better reflect the diversity present in that industry, and that the make-up of that industry should better reflect the diversity present in the general population, I did have tanks primed to roll over the Polish border!

Slapping God on a pile of glurgey saccharine nonsense about a cute kid getting a guided tour of heaven makes it more treacly and embarrassing to my liberal-Christian sensibilities, not less so. This book looks like the literary equivalent of The Christmas Shoes, and sounds about as worthy of being taken seriously long…

And if there isn't any way of stopping them getting married, isn't there at least any way we can make sure that nobody plays goddamn Butterfly goddamn Kisses? That song's skeevy enough already without adding all this.

Once a day, but it's honestly the best way I know to wake myself up. I also have a mild phobia of strong body odor - it nauseates me and I absolutely dread the idea of smelling bad myself. I used to be a lot more relaxed about the whole business when I was younger, and I'm not quite sure when I started getting…

Same thing happened to me... while I was planning my wedding. I was sitting in the bathroom at stupid o' clock on a work night, trying to keep up with the 'power couples' nonsense the game had just sprung on me regardless of the fact that I had absolutely zero interest in the dating mechanic and didn't appreciate…

I'm a Christian, but I'm 5'5". I guess it just wasn't meant to be. :(

My bouquet, like the bridesmaids' and all the buttonholes, was made of paper because Etsy was a terrible influence on me. Paper roses, paper lilies, paper... something else I forget because I'm rubbish with flowers. If anyone had even suggested I throw it anywhere I would have gone for the spleen, so I totally…

#BABEGHAZI

No one's slick as Gaston,

He looks like one of my cousins, who's gone full-on Lumbersexual and constantly reblogs unfunny Facebook posts from something called 'The Lad Bible'. On the other hand, my cousin is twelve years younger, by all appearances happily married and just went back to college, so there's that?

Yes, I know that.

No, it really doesn't, or at least it really doesn't have to. Jesus was the ultimate nonconformist. Far too many Christians these days seem to have forgotten this.

Mine was a secondary-school drama teacher for most of his career, and took me to see 'The Rocky Horror Show' on stage. I was eight. To this day I have no idea what he was thinking, or why he took me again when I was eleven. I didn't see 'Grease' until I was in the sixth form. One of my fondest memories of my…

My family moved house when I was 12, and from pretty much Day One in the building we were fielding phone calls from confused people asking if we were something called a Nova Furniture. Our number was one digit different, as far as I could figure out. The only thing that made it stop was my father contacting the phone…

Hey, leave Henry out of this. He's been doing a dirty job damn well for over 20 years, and if people occasionally take advantage of his accommodating nature, variable-speed suction and status as an anthropomorphic inanimate object, well, that's not his fault. #JUSTICE4HENRY

Hey, I'm a super boring white Christian, and this guy is too white-bread even for me. Then again, I'm British and am thus culturally obligated to shun any novel about how hard it is to be a white person in love that doesn't include the mandatory quota of repression, tea-drinking and corsets.