At what point in the Bible do Jesus and his mates sit around holding a bunch of pencils going ‘Lo, I sayeth to thee this day, this is some pretty fucked-up shit’?

I didn’t, actually - though my husband said later he kept expecting me to. I cried at the wedding we went to the previous summer, mind, but that might have been partly because I’d been engaged for four years and no closer to getting married than I was the day we agreed to do it. I am not proud of this, or of the fact…

What the Hell happened to Hugh Grant? He looks like someone hit the B button while he was trying to evolve into Jeremy Clarkson!

Sadly, I think the giveaway is that it’s all down to how you define the word ‘deviant’. My suspicion is that running this through the Fundie-to-English translator would reveal that when hard-right Christianists say ‘deviant’ what they mean is ‘gay’, ‘transgender’, ‘minority’, ‘feminist’, ‘liberal’ or, in all…

Honestly, I’m a Christian and I don’t get it either.

Yes, God is love, God is forgiving, God sees all and pardons all. But if you genuinely felt bad about what you’d done you’d go and deal with the worldly consequences, because the fact that God will forgive you doesn’t make the law of the land go away. No matter how…

I met my husband in a charity bookstore we were both volunteering in and we both like to write, so I had book pages used for some of the flowers in my bouquet as well. If you’re going to get paper flowers, why not take advantage of that to do things you can’t get from real ones?

I’d take that bet gladly, largely because scandalized we may be but this is still Jezebel, and I’m pretty sure the general consensus on Fifty Shades is that it was no A Billionare Dinosaur Forced Me Gay.

Etsy consumed my soul in the run-up to my wedding and I ended up having my bouquet made out of paper by a lady in Pennsylvania. I live in London. FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS. Or, more accurately, from the fishbowl vase my parents bought me and I keep on a shelf in the bedroom, but the sentiment remains the same.

(The…

I’m sure the owners are planning to. The reason the cat’s called Mikey? She’s also a recent rescue, and the people who took her in thought she was a boy until a vet told them otherwise and pointed out she was pregnant.

Gah! I remember these horrible things from when I was looking for a cake topper. Hate them. Hate them, hate them, hate them. If you ask me, anybody who thinks these things are appropriate to stick on a wedding cake because they really speak to them, bro!* needs to think very seriously about whether or not they should…

Since sleeping and eating are very important to me I feel I have far more in common with the mighty panda than I do with your standard wedding-cake svelte plastic lady. I ordered this from Kikuike Wedding Cake Toppers on Etsy and they were very nice about the massive Bridezilla panic I worked myself up into worrying…

I was sad post-wedding for about... three, maybe four hours. Mostly because the planning had eaten my life and the day itself had been absolutely amazing. Coming down from the high I'd been on to find myself at Croydon station in the rain with nothing left to decide left me feeling a bit flat. After a bit of a cry and…

Getting married barefoot because you hate shoes and you're standing on a beach is totally legit. Having a handfasting ceremony barefoot on a raft in the middle of your parents' lake on the first or maybe the second day of a three-day extravaganza that's all about you... well, that may be slightly less so.

Bare feet or…

This is basically how I feel about the whole process. I remember succumbing to an addiction to aspirational-bullshit wedding magazines in the run-up to The Big Day, and in one of the decidedly unreal 'Real Weddings!' sections I ran across a horribly twee pair who threw themselves a three-day shindig involving…

George is the best Beatle, this is absolutely not up for discussion. He played the sitar, wrote 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps', loved cats, and he was in The Rutles. Come on, anybody who shows up and actually plays a part in the movie that satirises their own life just has to have been an amazing guy.

What, no love for Geraldine McEwen? You wound me sir/ma'am/other.

Yeah, so I tried to lose weight before my wedding but you'd better believe that the fitness regimen was one of the things that got dropped when I was trying to find time to finish sixty favor wallets, and sort out a seating plan, and craft all the pom-poms in the entire universe, and lay out and print an order of…

When my husband and I were still in the 'dating' phase of the relationship and living very much apart, I developed an absolutely epic case of gastritis sometime in the small hours. Somehow, in between crying, holding my stomach like I'd been gut-shot and and throwing up everywhere, I managed to convince him via AIM…

Oh goodness me yes.

I did the DIY Bride thing. (To all those playing along at home: Do NOT do the DIY Bride thing. Unless you're really, really sure you want to.) I had a complete meltdown over the fact the stupid card cutter wouldn't cut the stupid card right, I made my husband repeatedly go to the craft shop to pick up paper I then…