This baby will never be sick. A filthy sidewalk in NYC has fortified this child's immune system to levels never seen before.

Fuck all, it's probably going to be a best-seller because the concept, plot, and characters were all thought up by some production company eager to make it into a movie, and the novel will be ghostwritten by some brilliant but underpaid grunt. And Kendall and Kylie will go on a book tour and talk about "future" and…

I want you *snicker* to think *snicker* about what you did. Go on. *snicker*

So I guess it would be kinda tasteless to make a joke about being pussy-whipped, right?

I assume it will be just as good (meaning bad) as Chris Colfer's travesty of a kids book or Madonna's books that she tries to pawn off as picture books. At the very least we could just have another Lauren Conrad on our hands.

I personally can't wait to descipher about which boyfriends are they talking about or throwing jibes at (a la Taylor Swift)

Living deep in the bible-belt and being a 30-something, vagina-having, marriage-free, childless, world traveling, home owning, sex liking woman with no plans to change any of those things, I get the "why buy the cow" comment quite often.

Ooh, I hope there will be a follow-up parenting guide - something along the lines of Fuck Everybody Else's Children: How to Get the Best for Your Special Snowflake, Regardless of the Cost to Society.

It can be a companion piece to my book How Many BJs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

This video taught me that pre-marital sex is destroying the bees.

She's stealing mine and Monsieur's book idea—Everything is a Competition and Sex is a Commodity: LaComtesse and Monsieur's Guide to Healthy Relationships

Great. So not only will I die by coughing up a lung, but I will have to die knowing that it's because some Portland hipster yuppie douchebag couldn't be arsed to take his daughter Cucumber to get a fucking pertussis shot between her unicycle and harpsichord lessons.

And for the snarky misanthrope, might I recommend:

My grandmother picked up a silver fox at her retirement village. He was absolutely dashing, as well as kind and charming and handsome and witty and a doctor. GO GRANDMA! She met him at the computer club, and taught him how to email his grandkids, and that was it - love and "companionship" for the next ten years. They…

My husband did turn to me in bed the other night and said, " I'm gonna fuck you til you're 86". I'm not sure what happens after 86, but it was pretty fucking sweet. Good to know there is hope for that goal.

This make me so angry. Why is it that every aspect of a woman's life and her body must be dictated by the world and not herself? I'm usually pro-breastfeeding, but this law just sucks balls.

I'm so, so sorry you married my ex-husband.

I've saved myself the trouble and let myself go before marriage.