I think one approach to this situation is to put cameras in the submarine, set it adrift in the ocean, and make a reality TV show about a team of scrappy raccoons figuring out how to pilot a submarine

Soviet fleet not have fancy plastic buckets, you make bucket with your hands

I can’t wait till next year until all the (white) frats and sororities, as well as the local bars, try to turn Juneteenth into the Black St. Patrick’s Day

Ugh, watching cops go through intersection always makes my sphincter clench. I remember as an EMT, taking the ambulance through an intersection meant really paying attention to try not to get T-boned or to T-bone anyone. I was always taught to even change the siren frequency from the typical wail to the yelp to be…

I look forward to Graham and Cruz trying to out-rend their clothing

That’s why you never have Taco Bell provide the on-set catering

they can tell from some of the pixels 

It’s easier to spew bullshit if the fly is in the back

I read it as calling out the plumber for not showing that he turns off the water main before he goes mucking around with the pipes

I’m going to start raising money to pay the “shame” guy to just follow the Trumps around chanting that. 

When I read “Boat Tail”, I imagined some sort of a P. Diddy-style shrimping vessel

It’s an issue of workplace behavior and basic respect. When you go to work, you deserve to be treated professionally. That applies whether you’re an NBA or WNBA player or a doctor or a nurse or a bus driver. If I said something similar about one of the physicians or nurses or medical students or custodial staff at the…

I am pleasantly surprised that NC has not yet passed one of those laws giving you a free doughnut and a get out of jail free card if you mow down BLM protesters

It’s much easier to just spend a few weekends marching and wearing a t-shirt than to actually desegregate the school that you pay a lot of property taxes to keep segregated

I guess now I have to listen to all those flat earth people, because it seems like gravity isn’t a thing anymore. 

“This November, remember to vote R for rapist”

Eric is going to roll on daddy, but because he’s an idiot he will do it before he even gets the plea deal signed

If I were Chuck Schumer, I’d just make sure that whenever Cruz is introduced or acknowledged in the Senate for the next several years, he is always referred to as “The Senator from Cancun”

Ted is just mad he’s going to have to slurp something else out of some 18-year old’s ass at the Senor Frog’s in Cancun. 

It’s hard to believe that in some parts of the world, when people are sick or potentially sick, they actually stay home and if they have to go out, they wear masks to protect others.