Fucking around with dangerous wild animals really seems to be an American white people thing. My very unscientific survey of my friends and people I shared that video with shows that immigrants and non-white people would also get the fuck out of there

It’s not like the landlords would be able to find a financially solvent tenant with a use for that space or a desire to remodel it to not look like a fucking cheesecake factory. They’ll probably have to eat the rent for a few months with the hope that they can at least have payments starting again in the summer or so. 

The only thing worse than a yelling tantrum toddler is a toddler who has been quiet for more than 5 minutes. Because you have to get up and go investigate that shit to make sure they’re still alive and not just quiet because they’re trying to stick their tongue into the electrical outlet. 

You look at infection rates in populations that got the vaccine versus placebo. Vaccine trials are hard to do, because unless you have a disease running rampant, you need large trials with long periods of observation, or you need to focus on high risk populations (that has been the approach with some of the HIV…

Eh, some of these people are so stupid that they would blame Obama with their dying breath.

I was discussing one of his conferences with my mom, and she goes “That Cuomo is so confident and decisive, I bet he knows how to please a woman.” At that moment I wanted to die of COVID19

I’ve used this stuff in lab on some very hardy cells, and there’s definitely a pretty narrow dose window of “it works but doesn’t kill everything in the dish”. I would certainly not be eating it from a bag of fish drugs with a teaspoon. 

Normally I’d say that anyone taking medical advice from this asshole is best removed from the gene pool, but the problem is that when they go blind or get really sick, they end up in the hospital taking medical attention from people who actually deserve to be cared for. So maybe Trump and his lackeys can just do the…

I have a feeling that Stephen Miller and Trump are now going to start calling it the “Chinese and Black people virus”. Anything to deflect the blame from their piss-poor handling of the situation

He’s going to insist that the old people in rural “Real” America be counted in the census and mail in their absentee ballots before they die though

I think a lot of the celebrities are just worried that at some point as things become more chaotic, people are going to realize that various performers are not really necessary to the functioning of society yet somehow have tremendous amounts of wealth. Perhaps a wiser approach would be to stop reminding poor jobless…

I think they should just be reported to their employers, who can then decide whether they want people who are likely to get their stupid ass and their coworkers infected. 

It’s OK, once Dr. Fauci is fired, I’m sure there’s some Young Republican college senior who took a biology class pass/fail once all lined up to replace him

He’s ophthalmologist. Great for when you’ve been poked in the eye or want to flex your spelling skills, absolutely useless for anything else (sorry ophthalmologist friends...)

Unless the ship arrives with a bunch of doctors, nurses, ventilators, and PPE, a better use for it would be to lure all the current White house inhabitants and the congressional Republicans on it and set it adrift at sea

I’m a big fan of Military Energy gum. Not sure why I don’t just do the pills, but something about the gum makes me feel like my caffeine addiction isn’t that bad. 

If I were an autoworker in Michigan, gun control would definitely not be at the top of my concern list to discuss with political candidates. Can’t afford guns if you’re unemployed or if the Supreme Court abolishes unions and collective bargaining. 

Pudding cups. So many pudding cups. I like to tell myself it’s because my kid only wants to eat pudding while sick, but it’s really because if I’m going to die, drowning in a bathtub of chocolate pudding is probably the way to go

It’s like the privilege behind Kavanaugh. Dude felt entitled to a supreme court job. In a sane world, credible attempted rape accusations and a bunch of other things would disqualify him from that job in favor of many other people who did not attempt to rape someone. Same for any other job. Louis CK doesn’t have some…

This is a problem for people with self control who can keep themselves from just eating the whole bag to avoid figuring out how to close the bag,