A fairly large portion of his base is into shooting brown people

The words might be racist, but her bones are not, and that’s what really counts

Oh cool, we’re televising textbook sexual harassment now. She was being a sport because she’d like to keep her job, not because she likes to take part in a wet tshirt contest on TV

You just can’t trust those Ukrainians. You have one perfectly normal non-illegal phone conversation with someone over there, and suddenly you’ve adopted a grown woman and you’re getting impeached. 

This is somehow not at all surprising. I went to an Ivy for undergrad, and there was definitely a large contingent of kids who weren’t idiots but were definitely not academically at the expected level. They were definitely largely white, wealthy, played preppy sports, and unable to handle basic tasks like doing their…

Are you George Conway?

So basically in Texas you can go into someone’s home and murder them, but as long as you can claim to be credibly confused, you can get away with it? 

The best part is that the bribes are tax-deductible. Just kidding, I’m sure this man doesn’t actually pay any taxes

I’ve come home hundreds of times following 24-36 hours of straight work with minimal to no sleep. I’ve definitely absentmindedly gotten off the elevator on the wrong floor while tired and fiddling with my phone. What I have not done is gone into someone else’s apartment and murdered them. I’m sure that in Dallas alone…

Don’t you know that alcohol and drugs unmask latent racist bone disease

I am waiting for the picture of him riding horseback behind shirtless Putin

As an Eagles fan, I do not look forward to all the asshole fans spending the week talking about how tough the defense is. 

Their last spoon was a 2 foot long stack of $100 bills from taxpayer subsidies, but they got tired of having to replace those every practice.

Can we just follow the proud tradition of having regional football teams and combine the Dolphins and Jaguars into the Southern Swamp Algal Bloom. The two teams combined can field a respectable 3 win team

I still find myself saying “because of the implications” all the time, and nobody understands me. Except my wife, who says it just as often, which is why I married her

I’m surprised the defense didn’t just straight up say “she saw a black man”

He later added that he was hoarding time outs to add to Andy Reid’s collection

- “Are there any downsides to getting a bunch of face tattoos?”

I’m waiting for Antonio Brown to tweet about this

If Sanders wanted a penalty call, he should have just ripped off his own helmet and thrown it