As an Eagles fan, I do not look forward to all the asshole fans spending the week talking about how tough the defense is. 

Their last spoon was a 2 foot long stack of $100 bills from taxpayer subsidies, but they got tired of having to replace those every practice.

Can we just follow the proud tradition of having regional football teams and combine the Dolphins and Jaguars into the Southern Swamp Algal Bloom. The two teams combined can field a respectable 3 win team

I still find myself saying “because of the implications” all the time, and nobody understands me. Except my wife, who says it just as often, which is why I married her

I’m surprised the defense didn’t just straight up say “she saw a black man”

He later added that he was hoarding time outs to add to Andy Reid’s collection

- “Are there any downsides to getting a bunch of face tattoos?”

I’m waiting for Antonio Brown to tweet about this

If Sanders wanted a penalty call, he should have just ripped off his own helmet and thrown it

I like kickers. They’re the toughest.

The three assholes in my neighborhood with these cars will permanently turn the track mode on and throw away the remote before continuing to live out their fantasy of The Italian Job

The phrase “undefeated Bills” made me throw up a little in my mouth

One of my childhood friends is an asshole who would spend hours tormenting a flock of geese living near his house. One day he slipped on some goose shit while chasing them and fell down. The geese then turned around and extracted their revenge. The poor kid actually lost one eye and still has some scars decades later.

I wish we could redline these antivax harpies and make them use separate (and unequal) public accommodations

That’s some really bullshit from Bette. Black people have had to put up with all sort of voter suppression shit since the 1800s, yet in the 2016 election not only turned out to vote but almost universally voted for the correct candidate. White people are the ones who got Trump elected. Now in addition to having to…

First time moms can be in the early stages of labor for over 24 hours (it absolutely does suck) so it’s not crazy that they sent her home, but if you’re going to be doing that, you really better have all your ducks in a row. So that means making sure they don’t live too far away and giving very clear instructions.…

These boob police guys are just trying to protect her honor, but keep getting friend-zoned. Why can’t she see that they’re so nice and much better relationship material than all the chads.

I look forward to the two Jets vs Dolphins and one more Jets vs Bills game this year, where these three teams try to see who can shit their pants the hardest while stepping on their own dick.. I think the Dolphins have what it takes to out-Jets the Jets

Picking up the New England defense did wonders for my fantasy football team this week, but made me feel so dirty.

I tried something like this with my kid, but LabNerd Jr figured out that if you suck in hard enough, the tissue moves too