One of my childhood friends is an asshole who would spend hours tormenting a flock of geese living near his house. One day he slipped on some goose shit while chasing them and fell down. The geese then turned around and extracted their revenge. The poor kid actually lost one eye and still has some scars decades later.

I wish we could redline these antivax harpies and make them use separate (and unequal) public accommodations

That’s some really bullshit from Bette. Black people have had to put up with all sort of voter suppression shit since the 1800s, yet in the 2016 election not only turned out to vote but almost universally voted for the correct candidate. White people are the ones who got Trump elected. Now in addition to having to…

First time moms can be in the early stages of labor for over 24 hours (it absolutely does suck) so it’s not crazy that they sent her home, but if you’re going to be doing that, you really better have all your ducks in a row. So that means making sure they don’t live too far away and giving very clear instructions.…

These boob police guys are just trying to protect her honor, but keep getting friend-zoned. Why can’t she see that they’re so nice and much better relationship material than all the chads.

I look forward to the two Jets vs Dolphins and one more Jets vs Bills game this year, where these three teams try to see who can shit their pants the hardest while stepping on their own dick.. I think the Dolphins have what it takes to out-Jets the Jets

Picking up the New England defense did wonders for my fantasy football team this week, but made me feel so dirty.

I tried something like this with my kid, but LabNerd Jr figured out that if you suck in hard enough, the tissue moves too

Could be worse, he could have gotten it made entirely out of wood and then kept yelling “I am Groot” as he drove it. 

Sometimes the NFL leadership really likes to remind the players who the owners are. Can’t have the convicts running the prison. So you have some management people following this “we need to have the unconditional respect and fear of our players”, which is a bullshit attitude when you’re managing grown ass adults being…

This. My uncle hunts (bow, rifle) nearly religiously, and owns several hunting rifles. He is also absolutely obsessive about firearm safety - training, storage, etc. I’ve gone hunting with him a few times, and he made me do a short gun safety thing first and then practice at a range several times before he would even…

You skipped over the part about the well regulated militia. That seems pretty well defined too. 

I’m sure that somehow Antonio Brown was involved in this

Carson Wentz: who are they calling fragile now?!

I demand that WYTS for the Raiders, Steelers, and Patriots be amended. We can’t wait another year

That’s the other accepted way to earn a Kiko Alonzo jersey

Brown is fast, but not fast enough for Carr to avoid oncoming defenders or tripping over his own feet

It was definitely not done by Trump. He can’t find Alabama on the map, even with the AL there. 

I still can’t understand people whose self-worth is tied to a college team they did not even play on. Seriously, it’s a bunch of teenagers throwing a ball around. It’s one thing if this dude’s teammates got upset at the joke about a hard loss, that’s reasonable. Everyone else really needs to find something better to…

His math major and the noose thing will get him a job as Stephen Miller’s undersecretary of counting illegal immigrants