My nephrologist friend said that the best way to help people with kidney disease is to provide reasonable health insurance so that they can get care to either prevent their illness or manage it appropriately. Increasing the number of kidney transplants does jack shit if people are not able to pay for their…

When he was complaining that he wasn’t getting invited to parties because of his bullshit political views, what he was really saying is that he wants a child to massage his balls through his underwear just like at the Epstein parties

Well, he can always be a Fox news commentator. 

So is meth

The Knicks would like a word with you

Has he gotten fired yet? I’d like him to be fired and his wife to divorce his racist ass and raise that reasonable-sounding child properly 

it’s all a misunderstanding, throwing a chair is just how one tries out for a bullpen job with the Mets

If any of these people ever go see Hamilton, they will self combust. 

People who double park or park in bike lanes should have their windows smashed in with a brick. My fat ass doesn’t ride a bicycle, but I hate people who think their time is more valuable than everyone else’s 

Every time a black person gets shot at, they’re guilty of attempted murder. You never know when one of the dozens of bullets might bounce off and graze a police officer. They really should just stop resisting and take all the bullets like they’re told

There are many companies that are able to have a positive cash flow and a profit without fleecing their employees. The two are only contradictory if you’re one of the “disruptors”. If you can’t find a way to make your business profitable without resorting to this bullshit, you should not be in business

These viewpoints are not contradictory. These are bad companies that are losing tremendous amounts of money as part of their business plan. The people at the top of the corporate chain, however, are making money, but everyone who invested in them is going to get hosed

When your definition of smart is managing to take a shit without smearing it all over your balls and clothing, he’s a fucking MENSA member

The Knicks would have somehow managed to turn them into a useless human centipede

I think that there are fewer entitled Knicks fans than there are entitled Mets fans

Obviously, of all the shit to steal in a hospital, an IV pole and pump are obviously the easiest and most lucrative items. 

The police were so confused when Harden dove off his illegal scooter that they let him go

I feel like David Brooks is the alter ego of Ross Douthat, where he shaves that fucking goatee and puts on some glasses, then vomits up the same barely comprehensible garbage into a NYT column

I feel like the majority of these guys are just hoping to get a VP gig or a memoir paycheck out of this

I would like to offer LabNerd yoga. For a reasonable price, you too can do yoga on my dirty living room carpet while I binge-watch sci fi shows in my sweatpants. The aura of relaxation around me is palpable