New Yorkers outs of Staten Island consider it more a part of Jersey. We bear no responsibility for those assholes

I think an easy solution to the bathroom thing is that people of all genders and identification just shit in a plastic bag and then mail it to Mitch McConnell 

She has much better technique and consistency than the guy from the RIchard Spencer nazi punching video. She is now my new nazi punching hero.

Prior to the rally, Trump shat in every single one of those hard hats, and then sold them to his supporters as “freedom tariff hats”

The socks have better hair than Trump

You can make it more white by adding arugula and using gluten-free ancient-grin bread. 

He’s going to draft a 20 page memo about how we was robbed by the referees

This Ocean’s 4 bunch was trying to steal the amethyst crystal to power a new North Korean anti-capitalist laser

He can’t beat John Gruden’s appearance as “immolated infantry man 1-19,000"

I’m not sure what’s worse, playing for the Knicks, or the polonium poisoning he now surely has.

you get all the chocolate starfish you want

His thoughts on minimum wage are fantastic. I especially like his commentary about how he can do it because he is not answerable to shareholders, but public companies may need to have the force of a state or federal minimum wage to allow themselves to do what he is doing. 

That’s insane. Even the people who committed the most vile crimes deserve proper legal representation, because that’s how an adversarial justice system works. 

Ugh. I’m not a fan of smelling other people’s food on the subway, but I assume that if they’re eating there it’s for a good reason. Nobody wants to eat on the damn subway. I always see white women putting on makeup on the bus and subway though, because that is an existential need greater than getting the calories you…

A business that cannot pay its employees a fair wage is one that should not exist

I think that there’s pretty good data about antidepressants and anxiolytics ending up in the water after sewage treatment. I’d think that there’s enough xanax byproducts in the Miami urine that ends up in the ocean to chill out all the fish in the Atlantic ocean. 

He’s like one step away from those asshole prosperity preachers whose only message is basically that if you’re poor, it’s your own damn fault for being a bad human being. Fuck all those people with their bible

Let’s hope nobody appeals to the Roberts court, because they will somehow interpret the constitution and Spades rules to further restrict voting rights. 

I feel like this will be a bud light commercial at the next superbowl

I’ve been at a bunch of deliveries and newborn resuscitations and always worried about dropping the baby - they’re slippery and squirmy little buggers. But fuck this guy, the only acceptable response should have been one of profound horror and apologies. Hospital risk management is often telling never to say sorry,…