Floyd’s Owner: I-I-I never thought I’d survive. I totally screwed the pooch here.

Macallan plans to respond with its own limited blend, simply named Tammy. 

$10 for a jar of marinara? Must be nice being part of the 1%

So under the banner of being “patriots” they feel entitled to overwhelm and displace the redskins from their native land, big surprise.

Yeah, when I make home fries, it’s usually as an eggy breakfast accompaniment and it’s composed of leftover baby potatoes from the previous night’s dinner.

I will die upon the Hill of Dude. I am a man who came of age in the 80's when Dudes were Dudes and Bro’s had not yet harshed our Dudeness. A Dude is a man of relaxed character and mellow disposition, The Dude was called so for a reason.

Well this is just a preposterous take that I will absolutely oblige.

Could have been worse- usually when a Colombian ends up 80 kilos short, his whole family gets murdered.

Welcome to America in 2019, where Arians claim to be helping a Gay but really just want to set them further back.

   Things are tough for the Broncos when their GM is their biggest neigh-sayer.

Well shit. That sure beats all the crap that my son, his scout troop and I pulled out of a ravine yesterday as part of the Clean Your Streams day. Seven plus tires, broken bikes, scooters and 20+ bags of garbage. It was nasty  

You’re close, but I think id10t is a better fit here.

The British tabloid press continues to be one moral step below guys who sell fake insulin but the real story here is how rugby union has managed to be the most progressive “tough guy” sport on the planet.

Wife: They’re having a 2-for-1 happy hour special at... 

I’ll allow it. Redheads with beards should be banned from pretty much all public places just on principle.

I’m not sure I’d want to see Intergluteal Cleft opening for anyone.

It has to be that big. Twice a year I tow a 12-foot travel trailer. 

They should have told the Kent State administration to fuck off and kept playing. I mean, what are they gonna do about it, call in the National Guard?

Having never been touched like that by a woman before, it was all he could do to prematurely eject her.