Coming from you, this is rich.

"My name is Guðni Thorlacius Jóhannesson. You ruined my pizza. Prepare to die."

{cue Sid the Bunny swearing about pineapples}

No, 1) Dik's penises (penii?) are bigger, and b) Dik has enough self-respect not to appear in crappy Fokkers and Analyze movies.

I do some of my best navel gazing & commentator-ing after half a pitcher of frozen peach daiquiris.

This one time, at band camp…

He was bitten by a radioactive Guy Fieri, giving him the proportionate strength & speed of a man-sized bottle of donkeysauce.

I really don't care where they put the line, so long as it's neck height and they all clip it on motorcycles doing at least 60MPH.

Why did you say that name? Meowtha? Why did you say that name? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?

At this point, I'm starting to suspect it's the opposite: Woods is to cocaine what Julie Mao is to the protomolecule.

Uday and Qusay Trump would bigly-time enjoy "The Most Dangerous Game"-ing the white crackers down here.

"no sane person would" HEY! That's not-, um… yeah, alright, I resemble that remark.

If we arrange for a bunch of scantily-clad models to suddenly appear while simultaneously playing Yakety Sax, do you think Trump would reflexively try to chase them? Because I'll happily settle for him having a wheezing massive heart attack.

He found my missing glove when local authorities wouldn't help!

"Takes @SpeakerRyan 3 minutes to run marathon, I can run three at once and still beat him. SAD."

If there was a just God, half this damn state would be smote.

As a native Floridian, I keep telling everyone you need to wall Florida off at its northern border, then launch ATA missiles at anything that tries to fly over. I know it'll suck losing access to Key West and the Orlando themeparks, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. You're gonna want the wall up anyway before the…

Not the momma!

It was bi, but then Pence conversion therapied it.