♫♪ They laugh alike, they walk alike,
At times they even talk alike —
You can lose your mind,
When franchises are two of a kind! ♫♪

That does nothing to diminish my appreciation for Beckinsale or Graham.

I just want to see The McConaughey in a commercial existentially ramble-shilling a Lycan Continental.

♪ ♫ "Koalas in the rain, no fucks given…" ♪ ♫

Then Charlie Bono will hang an ornament on it, it'll droop, and he'll say "Ouuuh, I've killed it!" followed by a 5-minute monologue/segue into the next song.

No fair! They didn't bring enough aneurysm to share with the entire class.

"These are the rules. Everybody fights, nobody quits. If you don't do your job I'll kill you myself. Welcome to the Roughnecks!"

No, I'm pretty sure scientists will eventually find a medical use or two for slime molds.

If tinder ever matched Shkreli and I, I'd have at least a couple drunken evenings questioning all my life choices up to that point. And I'd immediately quit tinder.

I excel at being dense. And Frank is my spirit Garanimal.

"You shouldn't try to pigeonhole me, Johnny. My father pigeonholed once. Once!"

I wonder if Frank gets Google alerts about his name being mentioned online, and he smiles hopefully… until he realizes it's just the damn AV Club commenters again.

Also, that really sucks if you lose your coverage. :(

Make sure your ashes are cut with glitter, because that sh!t is almost impossible to get rid of.

I want my ashes mixed with ground-up asbestos, then surreptitiously dumped into the home ventilation system of someone I hate. That way I can give them emphysema and mesothelioma.

Obama never came through on the promise of Stop-and-Drop suicide booths.

Thanks for the reminder to increase my Old Glory Insurance coverage.

Augh, this sounds worse than Redbox rage.

When I bloom the yeast, I use honey instead of sugar. I also mix in a little powdered milk with dry ingredients (makes the crust a little chewier). So, mine's not vegan crust.

Hey, I already cover way more than my share of the workload for my lazy incompetent co-workers. There's no way I'm sharing my alcohol with them too.