Rewrites are in: now it's President FrankenTrump battling paid-under-the-table aliens in Mar-a-Lago.

On graduation day at Hollywood Upstairs Exorcist College, after being handed their diploma, is it traditional for graduates to jump out the window?

Yeah, 2017 is going to be the Year of Cirrhosis & Alcohol Poisoning. Well, at least Obamacare will help me afford… oh, right, Damn.

And then we'll instead get a Lynchian version of Twitty's "The Rose" like in season 2 of True Detective, except it'll be sung by Giuliani in drag.

I dunno, Richards would probably be harder to kill off than Rasputin.

So you're a paid up member in Club Animal. Awesome!

It's easy to mix them up. Bowie is on the pound. Swinton is on the sovereign and is also the Sovereign.

♫♪ "Every Weasley is sacred.
Every Weasley is great." ♫♪

What about having your knuckles cracked with a yardstick?

Sick Pence, none the richer.

Hell, I'm still stumped how you get 500 sheets of paper in a butt.

He's a lover boy at play

Well, the nation did elect Trump, so we've collectively stopped pretending we have any fondness for all current and future children.

You're actually a wombat, aren't you?

If they're in Hell, I imagine they're actually being basted in sweet tea as they're roasting. Their only refreshment: Tetley "tea" sweetened with Sweet 'N Low.

Mike Pence, on the literal other hand, is actually a puppet controlled by Jeff Dunham.

What AV Clubbers really want to know is: Does he have a corkscrew penis?

Americans want to be rubbed with Asian spices, roasted in an oven for an 1-1/2 hours until their skin is crispy, and then served with plum sauce?

On the plus side, my list of who'd make good cannibal eatin' is filling out nicely.

Well, Christie is officially off the team now, so he couldn't hide that uncomfortable piece of metal up his ass anymore.