I'm doing the same thing. I have a 2.5 year old blond boy and he is the light of my life and stories like this hurt my body and I can't stop reading them. Like poking at a cut in my mouth just to keep reminding myself it still hurts.

My takeaway from this is: holy shit, 12 years? I'm old.

I used to work with an old Lebanese man named Melham, who despite knowing how liberal and accepting I am made it a point to work into conversation with me as much as possible the fact that he wasn't Muslim. "Cat Stevens! Very talented man, Ted! Powerful musician.... And he became Muslim? Why? So foolish! I'm Christian…

When a campus cop tells a woman hes going to slam her on the car if she doesnt obey him, and the college thinks thats perfectly ok, there is seriously something very wrong with that college.

Would anyone be interested in my similarly-themed DIY article, "Everything I Fucked Up While Trying To Act Like Anthony Bourdain For Most of My Twenties"?

- Because of the KFC girl and the dad leaving his kid to die in his car, I just started off thinking this is a hoax.

When my kid asks me where babies come from, I'm just going to say "When a man and a woman love each other very much, the woman puts her hand on her stomach. Then a stranger takes a picture and publishes it. That's how a woman gets pregnant."

A nerd's gotta do...

Sure. She roughs someone up and she's some crazy, out of control criminal but her brother blows up an entire Death Star...

"We would be grateful if the customer would give us the dress, so we can investigate how the additional label became attached and whether there are issues which need to be looked into."

Wait...why would you write "REDRUM" on the mirror?

I love Broad City. It's what "Girls" could have been if Lena wasn't so lame.

Awwh. One waitress will never forget about Dre.

It seems like you can't win in the food service industry. If you flirt with customers for a tip, people think you're a 'gross slut', leading them on - whatever else "nice guys" complain about on the internet. If you don't play along with their creepy advances you don't get paid. Lovely.

Here's my crazy makeup routine, in order:

I'm, in surreal fashion, peaking at 31, to the extent that the hard-partying young-professional crowd can ever be considered cool.

The dispatcher was actually influenced by the lesser known honey badger moon. It causes one to not give a fuck.

May I suggest not wearing pants at all but perhaps some sort of loose, overalls based ensemble? Maybe with a couple accessories to make it pop?