He did join the CIA, obviously. The NFL has just been a cover identity the last few years. That's why he's been so bad. See the truth, Samer. If that's even your real name. I bet you're CIA too, that's why you're covering for him. Somebody call Pete Carroll, we need to get to the bottom of this.

though it's odd that there needs to be a policy for human sympathy.

Well thats basically the capstone for Drews Failed Romantic Gestures posts. I mean, theres just nothing that can top that without being arrested...

The minute he mentioned the dog, I was like. "Oh fuck! No, no, no, no, no..."

Let's be honest, brother's fault for not seeing how this could go wrong.

Yup. That was a shitty way to lose a girlfriend.

yea, that's where I thought this was going, that she had brought home a guy to fuck from college and this guy was going to be standing there all heartbroken watching his Girlfriend get pounded out on the living room floor in the midst of all his romantic chocolate placement.

One of the best worst stories I've ever read.

That poor, poor bastard.

saw where it was going, "said I can't do this" and now I'm in the comments section

I still haven't picked up my jaw. Mother of God.

I might pass out at work

Until he mentioned the dog, I was envisioning the writer walking in on girlfriend banging some college dude amongst the roses he had purchased. What a fucking story!!

yeah, once he started laying the chocolates on the ground, i could see where it was going, and then he mentioned the dog and yeah ok that's definitely where this is going

Seriously, the e-mail of the week was an emotional roller coaster.

Also: guy on elliptical talking back to Good Morning America hosts.

Addendum: Dude in the gym locker room not only played his music through his phone speakers but SANG ALONG with it. This isn't The Voice. Fuck you.

We're talking a slave revolution secretly armed by football bodies. I will make up false FAs to protect the innocent English!

I was going to offer a point by point rebuttal to this but then realized the article was about "famous" athletes, so, yeah, I'll just be on my way now.

Or just: