Or:

My dad wears a 30-year-old Rolex given to him by his father. It no longer works.

I don't know. This doesn't make sororities seem so bad to me. The tone seemed more helpful than harsh. I may not be the sorority type, but if I were about to join one, I'd like a guide like this so I wouldn't make a fool of myself. It's like asking your friend how formal her dinner party is going to be... and then…

Seriously! Have they never heard the term "blow job tips"????? Not that there's anything wrong with giving blow jobs, of course, but I don't want my hands to call that image to mind.

I've never seen the show, but here's a theory: maybe kids wish their parents would push them harder, so that they could reach their teen years with some talent besides taking pictures of their boobs? I say this not to condemn The Youth, but because I was a very undisciplined child myself and I used to really crave…

I believe the article made it clear: if you get the flu, you healthy young person you, and then pass by a little kid, or a grandmother, or a pregnant woman, or someone with immune problems on the way to getting your own chicken soup because no flu slows you down, you can pass it to them and they can hurt bad.

Fun story about flying with Orthodox men: On my way back from Israel a couple years ago, I was seated next to some old Orthodox guy. Halfway through the flight, he pretended to fall asleep and then kept "accidentally" dropping his hand into my lap. I was 19 and didn't know enough to call the flight attendant, so I…

Maybe you just shouldn't wear pants.

If my parents stop giving me Christmas presents just cause I have kids I will CALL THE FEDS.

I seriously don't understand the Santa thing. My parents always said, "These presents are from your grandmother," and that seems like a better way to inculcate some small sense of gratitude in the black heart of a child.

My great-grandmother, who left her alcoholic husband when he began beating her during her pregnancy, was always angry about the virgin birth. She spent a lot of time researching it, and when she found out that it had been added to the canon later on, that sort of set her free.

"They told me it was oregano! I have sixty pizzas to make!"

I always think, if I really wanted to, I could strangle a stewardess with my pantyhose, or the strap of my suitcase.

Ugh. It's delightful anecdotes like this that make me wish high schools taught self-respect.

I'm surprised anyone would ask their wives to smuggle in drugs, knowing the penalties could be so stiff. Did a lot of wives get caught?

Maybe you don't need to avoid all white people, but you need some more time with your black friends?

Well, you really can't expect all black people to have the same ideas of how a white person should act.

I think the central problem is that no matter what actions a white person takes, no matter how many books they read or movies they watch, there will always be an understanding gap. And part of the gap is that white people don't know it's there.

Sarcastic Sailor may come home with me.

They don't have coin-operated scales in the subway anymore. Or gum machines! I personally would like the opportunity to weigh myself everywhere.