dear sweet baby jesus ...it’s FICTION, people. It’s a TELEVISION SHOW. A broadsided comedy. Lighten the fuck up.

Good god, those Instagram photos are, in most cases, scary AF.

I worked at Sirius for Martha Stewart. That scene after “gird your loins” shows precisely what happened when it was announced she was coming up in the elevator.

Also, + Paris porn.

Oh fuck that noise. She’s a grown-ass woman who should have known something about birth control before jumping into bed. Oh, but wait - she’s Catholic, so birth control is a non-starter. But she was having sex outside of marriage, so the whole Catholic thing seems shaky. AND she was having sex with a man who was still…

Has no one yet noticed that they are Lorde and Taylor? Anyone? Maybe you have to be a New Yorker to get it....

The year after you discover the affair is the hardest. Unless it’s the one I’m about to enter - it’s been a week since my husband left me. 30 years of marriage...someone should write a book about that.

Then you used it. Which is good. Also, you’re clumsy, which may or may not be problematic for you.

What the fuck is it with America’s heartland and the obsession with disposable dinnerware? For fuck’s sake - someone has Grandma’s wedding china - break it out and wash it afterward. I’ve seen football tailgate parties with better cutlery.

The last line of Seinfeld was the first line of The Seinfeld Chronicles. I loved The Sopranos finale. All very existential.

He’s online too much, watching way too much Brazzers. Do not ask me how I know about Brazzers.

that’s some Olympic-level core strength happening there.

Has anyone noticed that Khloe’s hands are way less orange than the rest of her?

Can we find the “Pure Self-Interest” guy and guillotine him in Times Square?

Again - NOT public airwaves. It’s cable. Different animal.

The problem here is that the FCC doesn’t regulate cable channels - only over-the-air broadcast.

No, actually - I’m a born and bred Jersey girl and went to Emerson College in Boston...but thanks for the compliment!

I went to college with her and she was experimenting with makeup like mad back then. It never surprised me that she became so successful. She’s also a really great, down-to-earth person. I can’t wait to see her next venture.

I am totally on board with eviscerating the Williams-Sonoma catalog - but when it comes to dissing my state, there are three things I will mention: 1) Chris Christie’s approval rating is at 19%. The lowest in 20 years. 2) We voted for Hillary. 3) Fuck you.

And may I say that I would have that compliment etched on my headstone, were I Carrie Fisher.