For some reason, this totally sounds like the setup for a goof to me, including Megan’s comment about respecting his family’s privacy. I’ve read the post three times looking for the punchline. Like, I expect it to be a reference to a viral video of him losing a bet, having to eat a Doritos Locos Bacon McRib, then shart…

I don’t care if his shot in Bowling Green missed, he should still be prosecuted as a terrorist for participating in the massacre. 

House is a fictional television show 

Fuck off

It’s not the battery percentage that’s concerning, it’s the 73 tabs on a mobile browser

Glad they didn’t ask the guy who wanted to know what 88 x 88 was.

why start now

“Fleetingly gothic, marginally industrial, unrelenting in a vaguely threatening way, they shout “The world is ending” on a crowded dancefloor. No one panics, but some do drift off—they’re getting a little bored. B-“

it really do be like that

Do you guys think I could eat 50 chicken nuggets

Is it weird to prefer grocery shopping at night during the week instead of on the weekend? I get that you essentially lose a night to a chore, but grocery shopping on a weekend is too stressful and not worth the hassle most of the time. 

I eat meat and enjoy burgers and legitimately the one I think about the most is Superiority Burger, which is a veggie burger.

There is nothing in any way bad about somebody valuing you as a friend. If you feel bad about being in the “friend zone,” do your unsuspecting friend the kindness of letting them know you’re a creepy asshole who has no use for their friendship except as it affords you proximity for continuing to try to fuck them, and…

Thanks Manny. I’m going to a wedding Halloweekend so I’m probably not dressing up. Last year, though, I was Salt Bae for our office costume contest. Remember when Salt Bae used to be silly and fun? Now he’s buddying up to people like Maduro and Donald Trump Jr. Scary. 

if you had fun and want to hang out again there is literally no harm in sending a text

Annuity vs. Lump Sum, who ya got?

There’s an insane rooster living in the yard next to me. He’s got his sights set high—I’m talking Hollywood. He sings all the time, with the exception of dawn oddly. I named him Moses so I can shout “preach Moses!” Whenever he sings. My girlfriend has been threatening me with “grave” harm if I continue to do it. But…

Eh, give it a try. Apologize, be honest about what happened (don’t make up some bullshit about how like you got kidnapped by Russians), say (and mean) that you will totally understand and accept if you blew it, and say that you really had a great time and would love to meet up again if she’s still into the idea. Who…

I hate it.