I used to work for this company, and I was put on “fat probation” twice. Once was January 2nd, they didn’t give me a chance to try on a larger kilt and told me they were “worried for my health” and that they “just wanted me to “be healthy”. I went from a size 2 to a size 5, still MUCH smaller than the average U.S.…

“Because it’s a kilt, it has to be straight down,” he said, according to Smith. “It can’t flare out around your hips. It has to hang straight.”

omg why do people ask

So this song (from the best selling country album of all time) should actually be called “Lettuce! I Feel Like a Tomato!”

Nope. You get to use the space in front of you. That’s where your hand baggage goes if you so choose. Or a child. The space under your own seat is not yours to use.

*Technically* don’t you stow your extra belongings in the seat in front of you? So technically she’s not using your space. It’s her space. But with a kid instead of a laptop.

For real! Who the hell wants JUST LETTUCE. It’s like, only there so you feel semi balanced.

Wait, women are the tomatoes and men are the lettuce? So men are the bland, featureless filler that makes up most of the salad, while women are the tasty stuff that I actually want?

So basically, Scott Walker wants you to get a picture while you’re up there, then mail it to him with a letter that says “I aborted this”? Right?

I drank too much with my first pregnancy for an 8 week ultrasound. I thought I was going to die of pee-holding. Then I get in there and they are all “your bladder is so full that we can’t do the ultrasound. Go pee, but not too much.” What's too much? Ahhh! But at least that one all ended well.

I got an ultrasound to accurately date my pregnancy, and my kid looked like a gummy bear because that is basically what he was. It is nothing like the ultrasound people get around the six month mark.

Sure, I mean, it’s like that time when I kicked a guy square in the balls. He makes a great piss and moan about it but people always want me to look at photos of their kids playing soccer so how am I the asshole?

Oh I have the best story about a wedding proposal...

Christ, that’s bad. My aunt’s MIL wore head to toe BLACK (with a lace face cover on her hat) and told everyone that she was in mourning for her only son throughout the wedding. That was fun!

Oh I had some and it was glorious. For about 8 months I dressed like a little baby prostitute that my parents somehow allowed God knows why. Short plaid skirt, thigh high socks, clunky heels, belly tee, barrettes....

I can think of 56 things right now that would taste better than skinny feels, starting with sharing this pizza with this BAMF kitteh.

I may be a “carb face,” but at least I don’t design day-glo acid trip reject fabric sacks.

I just think of all the barf that’s landed there... All the piss and shit that’s trailed out of pant legs as people got up and realized “it’s too late”... All the stuff from shoes... All the stuff from feet not in shoes... All the pervy semen.

Thank you. This is so disgusting that I can’t imagine doing it. Also, holding your child will not protect them in case of an accident.

Ooooh, as a kid, my favorite thing was to ride on the bottom of the shopping cart at the grocery store, under the basket (you know, where I guess you are supposed to put heavy items?). I’d get tucked up in there with a couple of books, and my mom could shop in peace.