You should tell Putin that having money and power can’t change the fact that he looks like his immediate family tree contains some kind of furry, weaselly, four-legged mammal. Superior genes, my ass. Why would anyone follow that guy into battle?

“It’s time for Star Wars to end.”

I also have a distaste for words with superfluous U’s.

I hate the word dollop because I associate it with the usage of sour cream, which is just nasty, vile stuff. I hate sour cream about as much as Drew Magary hates Mayonnaise. 

The joke’s on you, Drew would never be caught dead with those little packets of mayo on hand. That’s just what BIG MAYO would want you to think. 

In other news, I got stuck out in the woods for five days and a billion dollars saved my life!

I think my most consumed shade of toast is demurred resignation over the hunk of charred carbon I’ve just created. I prefer my toast to have some darkness but without the strong “burnt” aroma associated with the darker shades on the bottom right. In my toaster oven, the toast goes from the Goldilocks zone to scorched…

He could build a lift on that thing and charge people five bucks to ski down it.

I make a similar sauce of random dried chile origins, but I omit onion and add fresh garlic and dried chipotles. The chipotles don’t really break down like the other chiles do, so I remove them before blending, much like the bay leaf.

It seems like Tucker basically had no retort for being called a billionaire’s millionaire. He knows who butters his bread and he isn’t about to risk being deloused from his overlords.

This is the show that debuted the inimitably cute Maria Thayer to the world. For that I am grateful.

Not only have those people had contact, but just about everyone has lied about said contact. They knew what they did wasn’t on the level otherwise they’d be truthful about what they were doing. 

I fully believe that had the Giants won game 4 of the 2016 NLDS, they would’ve gone on to win that 4th ring in 7 years. Unfortunately, that was the year the bullpen decided to collectively render Bochy’s bullpen management meaningless and they coughed up yet another 9th inning lead. 

I still think my idea of using pictures of Stephen Miller to repel immigrant women needs to be considered. 

From what I understand, Bauer really believes that his training and warm-up regimen is preventing him from sustaining catastrophic injury. Up to this point, he’s managed to avoid long trips to the DL but I’m not so certain he’d be taking his stance if he were to end up sidelined after a major surgery and making no…

Another problem is when people confuse lowered expectations with genuine happiness. At one point in my life, I would not have been able to do an extensive mountain hike, so if I set a goal of hiking a third of a trail, I would’ve been happy to merely meet that goal. Never mind the fact that the trail doesn’t even…

Regardless of the effects that excess fat have on one’s health, there is no ostensibly healthy human figure that can be improved with the addition of fat. At some point, I seriously considered getting rid of my mirror because I didn’t like the reflection but that would’ve only been a bandage solution to the problem. I…

Why is any place in Texas offering ranch in their salsa bar? That’s both sacrilegious and disgusting. Ranch has about as much of a place in a “Mexican” restaurant as motor oil does.

I turned 18 in 2002 and I remember seeing a brand of cigarettes sold in a black carton with skull and crossbones on it. My buddy would buy those and when someone would come up to him to bum a smoke, he’d pull out this pack with its skull and crossbones and ask them again if they really wanted one. Any chance those…

That looks like horrifying diarrhea sludge.