I got a burger from a local joint and some stray lettuce from the burger fell on the giant pile of fries on the plate. I would’ve felt a little less shameful gluttony had I known that I could convince myself that my mishap had actually created a salad. 

It sucked, but it was somehow better than about 95% of the acts SNL has had on this year.

Ludicrous speed is also another name for Trump’s daily drug regimen.

Trump took that $413 million he inherited and went bankrupt multiple times and it got so bad that US banks stopped lending him money. Talk about succeeding downward...

On many occasions, I’ve sliced a peach in half only to find a broken, moldy pit clinging to both halves of the peach. I’m not sure if heat waves are the cause of this issue but I seem to encounter it more often in late season peaches, indicating that those peaches were likely immature during times of peak summer heat…

“Officer, I’m not saying there will be cannabis in the car, but if you search it and find some, I reserve the right to throw it away.”

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I’m more concerned with the states that went with ranch as the top condiment and judging by the map, they were ID, UT, OK, IA, and AR, which, yep...

I know St. Louis-style uses an unleavened dough but I’m not sure if Chicago’s thin style does. That right there is potentially a big enough difference to be able to separate the two styles into distinctive categories. I’ve eaten tavern style pizza made with leavened dough and I’ve eaten pizza made with dough that…

Jim Lefebrve?

I think what we should do is print up a bunch of life-size cardboard cutouts of Steven Miller’s likeness and place those at regular intervals along the border. At the very least, the sight of those will repel the women, and then the men might think twice about entering this strange land alone.

I want whatever weed you just smoked.

I’d go with the persimmon potentate. 

No one wants to eat at restaurant where even if you order a vegan dish, it still comes served with a side of meat.

If you thought this was fun, wait until you hear about my idea for a roller coaster bar!

There’s something about the pickling process that does wonders to things. I can’t be paid enough to eat a cucumber but I have to take extreme measures in self-restraint to pull myself away from a jar of pickles before I consume the whole damn thing. I like both roasted and marinated asparagus so maybe it’s time to try…

I haven’t played anything past SC3K, but my nitpicks with the games are that the road systems are incredibly simplistic. I would’ve liked to be able to build one way roads, two way roads, side roads, arterial roads, below grade roads, above grade roads, trestles over dry land, and on/offramps that connect to any type…

Sounds like it’s time to throw the dog out with the spent wrapping paper.

Sounds like it’s time to throw the dog out with the spent wrapping paper.

Actually, you’re supposed to sit on that seat because if you don’t, you’ll get wet and put yourself at risk of BIG TRANSMITTABLE DISEASE.

If I had a nickel for every dumb thing I did as a teen, I’d be dead and on top of my grave would be a rather voluminous pile of nickels.