I’m just glad he didn’t wind up hurting somebody and then fleeing, or he’d also have Super Awesome Danger-Time Vehicular Homicide and Cyber-Ninja Hit and Power Funkysposion Run charges hanging over his head as well.

You consent to it when you get your driver’s license.

The Arizona legislature has come to regret hiring Dan Cortese to draft the state’s criminal code in the late ‘90s.

charged with something called “Super Extreme DUI,” which is reserved for the drunkest of the drunk and carries automatic jail time.

“Am I under arrest?”

“Super Extreme DUI”should only be invoked when Red Bull or Four Loko is involved.

It started when those shithead santas levied a 45% tariff against toys made in the south pole, as a punishment for mattel and hasbro moving manufacturing jobs there. Attacks against penguin immigrants in the north have been on the uptick ever since the christmas collapse of 2007, with the North Pole government blaming…

God bless the internet. Based on the fact that there are trees, I would suggest this is somewhere in northern Alaska. The penguins got there by swimming north, duh. Santas just got lucky to do battle close to home.

but, but... Santa lives at the North Pole and penguins live at the South Pole. How does this epic battle royale start and where does it take place?

i could beat either army easily. definitely the penguins (weak animals) and probably the Santas too (fat, low stamina). not bragging, just saying i could

If you are a penguin and feeling suicidal, please call 1800-226-8359. That’s 800-CAN-TFLY.

Shit, the War on Christmas is real

Wandering car is always 911. They could be drunk (most likely) or spending way too much time with Word Jumble or they could be dying - heart attack, stroke, or diabetic shock. In any case they need to be stopped.

Sunday I was behind the worst DWI I’ve ever seen. She was going coast to coast in the lanes (both directions) and she fell a little bit asleep at two lights. Moved when I hit the horn. But she was all over the place. Wandered into the white line on the right side, overcorrected to get back, crossing the yellow. As I…

Along these lines, I would love one of the blue lives matter crowd to explain how the Arizona Police Department were tripping over themselves to see who could leak this to TMZ first, yet Police chiefs won’t release body cam footage of a police shooting short of a court order accompanied by an armed insurrection

Serious questions. No judgement with your answers. We’re all friends here. Are you white? Was officer friendly white?

His “reward” was a juicy new contract with the patriots. Lucky he wasn’t shot.

Sir, what time did you stop drinking?

Not to mention, he was listening to the trial version of Sirius XM where they repeatedly say “Imagine how this would be with no commercials?!” over and over again

You know you’re drunk when then somehow charge you with *two* counts of DUI for sitting in a stationary car.