Many of those statements were about the manner and variety of dicks he believes me to be interacting with.

Fuck bike riders who refuse to stop at stop signs and red lights.

I feel like this could be a key plot point in the next James Franco/Seth Rogen/Jonah Hill buddy comedy.

Guys, I think we got played.

23 body sculpting tips that will have your dad drooling.

Cosmo was in a perfect position to do this. Everyone, including Ivanka, thinks they’re a dumb ladymag full of nothing but penis touching tips and other questionable advice, but their political reporting is actually pretty damn good.

Yes Ivanka, Cosmo readers do and should care about issues impacting women and children (and families of all kinds) which is why they fucking asked you those questions.

K, Ivanka.

Seriously, too often they’re driving it all over the road.

their dicks—when “tip to tip”—are 17.34 inches combined.

Like did they dock them first to find out?

Huh. Measuring that way is an interesting decision to make. Maybe next time I get a bra fitting, I’ll bring a friend.

im less concerned with their size than i am with their cocksmanship - just because you have a nice car doesnt mean you can drive it.

There is literally no reason for anyone to manufacture a BB gun that looks like that.

God damnit.

Well, his anus is conveniently located on his face

What the actual and everloving fuck.

Dr. Oz, who told The Politico this morning that he will not be asking the candidate any “questions he doesn’t want to have answered.”