where’s Charlie Batch? I know a team out there is looking for that kind of veteran presence

Primanti’s fucking sucks. never have I been so underwhelmed by something that got so hyped.

Stop being presumptious. Shannon Sharpe was only found near the scene of a dunking, with a guy in his entourage hanging on the rim.

Lol’d at “Isn’t that where they keep the runway?” What an awesome line!

skimming the beach on their ultra-low takeoffs and landings

I blackout about once or twice every two years (is that bad?) but I have never been so fucked up that I thought I was on a different coast. Does this guy have to be the best at everything?

Dat’s a one spicy a-meatballah!

Is this a drug ignorance joke or a fat joke? I’m going on the assumption that it’s a fat joke. I’ve seen the Dawg Pound on TV.

“Pffttt! Been fired more times than Sabrina, but I am still here.”

“Don’t make me buy a ladder and come up there to whoop your ass!”

When you are truly happy for another’s good fortune

Article One, Section 5 of the United States Constitution: “Each House may determine the rules of its proceedings...”

Well that’s a legitimate point, isn’t it. Except it wasn’t the founders who made that rule.

Patient: I didn’t plan on getting cancer, but cigarettes are so tasty, and I ignored the “may cause cancer” warning label. I didn’t think doing the wrong thing would ever catch up to me.

Harbaugh: Twitter is a great resource for recruiting, especially when it comes to offensive linemen. You wouldn’t believe how many people are looking for a RT on there.

Sotomayor says she wants justices who care about the law and who don’t simply decide cases based on their policy preferences.

The fact that Americans care so much about what celebrities think about politics helps explain why the country is so fucked up.

I understand where he’s coming from. Everyone has that old friend, who has since become a disgrace and embarrassment. I admire his loyalty for publicly sticking with him.

Jezebel is the fucking definition of predictable.

TL;DR — Taking other people’s money is the easiest solution to solving problems.