"I don't shit my pants."

More like sprain-dance, amirite?!

BREAKING: Robert Griffin III

I hear Baylor has already commissioned an artist to begin sculpting a new statue in honor of Griffin:

BREAKING: Robert Griffin III

We Are Martial Law

(Concealed) Carry Maguire

As an avid hockey fan and only casual football fan, I'm having a really hard time disregarding the glaring concerns of concussions/CTE in the NHL, while simultaneously (and clearly hypocritically) looking down my nose at the NFL for everything they've bumbled themselves into over the last few months. I can boycott the…

I was never the biggest football fan before now (my family isn't "football people," and my small-ish college team played a few miles from campus), only had a casual interest but would maybe have a game on in the background on a Sunday afternoon or put together/attend a party for the super bowl. I only started to…

Diamondstein?! I'm gonna go get a JD and change my last name to the furthest logical limit... KirstieAlleyIndustrialComplex Platinumstein!!

The most ridiculous part in all of this is the fact that video evidence beyond seeing her out cold for nearly 2 minutes, then "out-on-her-feet" for awhile, was what was needed to precipitate the serious punishment. Given the NFL's broad and bullshit-laden knowledge of traumatic head injuries, they really should have…

Oklahoma State and Florida State students...? Nope, they were looked down upon by paste eaters.

I believe the reaction time of someone deciding to swing and still being able to make contact with a major league fastball is around 3/10ths of a second, so you'd need to begin your swing before the ball was released from the machine... damn.

Not sure why this happened, but 1:50 of the Sharpe video made me flash back to this, which I haven't seen in years:

Kentucky Klondike Bar... da fuck?! I've only ever heard it referred to as a shildo. Unnecessary regionalization is unnecessary.

1. Scoop across all three flavors

And can we all agree that Malcolm Subban looks like absolute hot garbage in every one of these videos? His stance looks like they threw someone into the net with piecemeal equipment (that chest protector is about 3 sizes too big, even in the former league of Giguere). I know that shootouts usually come at the end of…

A joke of this quality (which I was also about to attempt to make) languishing in the grays... it ain't right, man.

"My name is Steve Ballmer and I am a motivational speaker. So, let me give you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about. First up, I am 35 years old. I am thrice divorced and I live in a van down by the river... "