If they weren’t drunk, where would those tens-of-thousands of dollars in fines and fees be coming from? You don’t get convicted of (or even arrested for) DUI just because someone called and said you were swerving.

“All taxation is theft! It’s MY property!”

Thanks for the explanation! This is very cool. And it helps explain why my mom (lived in NJ until recently) had to ship the wine she bought in Napa to me (in NC) instead of to herself. No clue how I’m actually going to get the wine from me to her (now in TN) other than take a road trip just for that purpose, but…

“This manna looks disgusting, and I’m pretty sure the driver fucked with my quail!”

In other news, I got in a fight in a Reformed Baptist discussion group about tracts vs. tips. It went better than it ooked, though - it basically turned into five peopel saying, “TIP WELL. DO NOT EAT OUT UNLESS YOU TIP WELL. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE A TRACT, TIP MORE,” and one guy going, “But I wanna be selfish because…

It's Louisiana. You ask them, "Did my momma and your momma go to school together?" And when they blink and say no, you stick them to the back of the line. If they blink and say yes or give some indication that they are local, you smile, tell them you'll tell your momma you saw them, and know it's an effective threat…

stepped forward and told the man to “put your wallet away - no one is impressed by how much debt you have.”

I know those door closers. The harder you push, the more it resists. Technically, the part resisting is called a ‘back check’ and it works like a shock absorber: a piston pushing hydraulic fluid through a little hole.

We went to a hookah bar the other night and the diners next to us kept engulfing their table in a huge plume of white smoke. After a few white clouds dissipated, I looked over to them and noticed they had a newborn baby with them. And every time they blew out their smoke, the entire baby carrier just disappeared in…

I’m loving the Pinkham’s Law comments about the margaritas.

Yeah, I mean there was a point when having a platinum card from American express was kind of a big thing because they only offered them to people with really good credit, (my mom got one very early on because she was a member for decades and always paid every bill every month.) but now days they don't mean much beyond…

That makes me think of the Spanish Inquisition. “Our chief weapon is surprise. Suprise and fear. Fear and surprise. Two. Our *two* weapons are fear and surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope . . . . *Amongst* our weaponry are fear, surprise, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red…

I read this in Stefan’s voice.

Alright, so since everyone is commenting about this even though I’ve already edited it (how?), I’m going to explain what I think happened here. I’m pretty sure the writer of this story originally listed soups/salads as one thing. Being that listing them as one thing in a numbered list of things is patently insane, I…

This BCO.... this BCO has EVERYTHING (to make you believe in Justice!)....

Surely he’d recall his identity after just one look at his monogrammed thermos.

This isn’t funny, but: Tom Hanks. A friend of a friend waited on him and when she told them they literally didn’t have what he was ordering he kept saying “do you know who I am?” and then stiffed her.

Okay, guys. Not cool. CLEARLY the “Do you know who the fuck I am” guy had amnesia, and genuinely needed the help. Maybe he’s a secret double-agent from the Mars rebellion. Or maybe he’s just from a soap opera. But either way, that was clearly a cry for help, which would have led to a cool ‘80s sci-fi action movie.

PEOPLE WHO INTERRUPT THE CASHIER WHO’S DEALING WITH SOMEONE ELSE, EVEN IF IT’S TO ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION, ARE GARBAGE PEOPLE AND SHOULD ALL FALL DOWN, REPEATEDLY!!!! (sorry, this Monday is having a case of the Mondays and I’m being a grumpy-face and that was something I HATED. I mean HATED!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!1!!!!one!!!…