It’s like taking Simms off the air would be an acknowledgement that CTE is real.

If Tirico would just assault a woman, he’d be the starting left guard for the Cowboys by next Sunday.

I’m confused about what the NFL is hoping to accomplish with this—what could they possibly gain? Michaels doesn’t want to call Thursday night games (regardless of what NBC wants), and Tirico is a MASSIVE improvement over him in every way.

This is like the Yankees not allowing A-Rod to hit but trotting out the corpse of Jeter for a whole fucking season in the 2-hole.

Goodell really just wants Dennis Miller back.

If Tirico would just assault a woman, he’d be broadcasting by the 5th game of the season.

+1 if you can add a fish-sticks reference.

So Lochte basically told the Cartman version of the story

“Fuckin’ amateurs.”

The No. 2 won the Money In The Bank ladder match. Therefore guaranteeing himself a shot against No. 1 whenever he wants. Pretty common knowledge, if you ask me.

$60 blowjobs—that’s a good price!

Update (9:53 a.m.): Diniz has just collapsed on the course.

Commentator, in crisp English accent: Folks at home may be asking themselves, “How will he finish?” And, well, Depends.

And now he’s going to be disqualified for having the runs.

I have the same gait when I have to poop.

That’s certainly one way to keep the pack a safe distance behind you.

The all-time passing yards leaders for the Buffalo Bills:

This one time, in Rio, I had just finished celebrating with my buddies after swimming in the Olympics, and I had our driver stop at a gas station so I could dye my hair in the bathroom sink and one thing let to another and the sink broke and flooded the place and I tried to leave and get back in the car but some guy…

In my experience, anacondas don’t want none unless they got buns, hun.