I support my union 100% and invest heavily in robots stock. It’s about time all workers got guaranteed paternity leave and low-deductible dental

This is pretty easy to pull off. Put the hood in a bag, tell your parents you’re playing the role of a member of the clergy, put the hood on later. Nazi youth 101.

but I do strongly believe that every American family should be developing their own canon of books they read together and repeatedly

Huh? 649,240 people voted for Roy Moore. This is not a made-up number. 

Candidate: Lawyer

Send in the national guard, a big plane from the border to the border. Simple.

Anyway, no offense to Chernow, but Hamilton still fucking sucks.

“Whaaaaaaaat, this is prime real estate. So it needs a few touch-ups, sure, but everything is up to a code and some people are happy to live there.” —Jared Kushner

Trump said that he both “didn’t know her [deputy national security adviser Mira Ricardel] very well,” and that, “she was with me for a long time.” Well, which is it?

Sure, if you count all of the illegal dog votes. You just bring your dog right in, pick up two ballots, vote twice, and California gives you weed brownies. Look at that anti-Republican pup. You’ve provided all of the evidence I need.

If Philly is one thing it’s dedicated

There would be a NE Civil War, resulting in two teams: the New York Lib Muslims and the Protestant Man Football Militia. Tom Brady would be so split. His heritage says Militia, but they only pay in raw deer, so hmmm

Joking about closeted gay men is homophobic. More importantly, straight men have every right to act like scared fancy cats without having their sexuality questioned. Let Us Be Dandy Again 2020 

Great, Ill use it in my coffee shop and charge the same as real espresso because Im a fucking asshole

Great, Ill use it in my coffee shop and charge the same as real espresso because Im a fucking asshole

Do not offer a correction and instead let the free market decide your server’s worth

lol literally nothing is less interesting than minute intra-Democrat squabbles. “Alexa Octavius protests the establishment...but then compliments the establishment?! What is going on this is madness”

We will now be treated to endless cable news shots of overworked election officials staring inscrutably at a mountain of ballots, while the rest of the country begs for the sweet release of death.

“MARK ZUCKERBERG AND MITCH MCCONNELL CAUGHT FUCKING CARIBOU—ENDANGERED ONES, AND THEY KILLED THEM AT THE END.”

Ugh it’s all just so uncreative. There are so many better things to yell in a theater. “All hail Gorflax! Surrender your fluids to him or be cast down to the diamond depths!”

Socialist pearl-clutching. Just take the win.