lol boating is so lame. Millenials are into quality activities, like Inverse Low-Altitude Paragliding or Augmented-Reality Cave Diving. Wake me up when a boat can shatter my feeble understanding of time and space

I just don’t know what I should spend on nowadays! I need to donate to my local militia so that my cul-de-sac isn’t overrun, I need to donate to my church in order to fight all of the perverts everywhere, I need to donate to Dave on the school board so my children aren’t taught that Islam is The Way, and now the NRA…

“Ok what’s happening here is the mid-field sideline coach is giving the forward defense a yellow card, increasing the penalty marker by three minutes. But the primary referee can dispute the marker with a checkered flag, rendering the play inadmissible and that’s how we’ll repeal the Affordable Care Act.”

But quitting Facebook is just so hard, you know? I have all my iPhone game logins through Facebook and I don’t know if I can give those up. Plus I still talk to like, two friends there and is one person quitting really going to make a difference? It’s just anti-Semitic conspiracy theories

I dunno, young Republicans are showing an energy not seen in almost eighty years:

We are creeping ever closer to “God wrote the Second Amendment” and I cannot wait

“Troops, your job here is to support our troops. Short term: this wire. Long term: moar wire i guess

I think it’s pretty clear: “Investigation, no investigation, whatever. Chaos reigns.”

Yeah it’s all fun and games until the coyotes catch wind of these spoils. Tentopolis, Tentingham, The City of Tent, ravaged and gone. Winter is coming

It’s a well-known setup: one foot holds a cell phone while the other foot commits cyber-crimes. 

mailman-murdering

“Whaaat we’ll just go bankrupt then call dad. It has worked 100% of the time for me and now I’m Mr. President. Get me a non-alcoholic martini *wink*”

Uh that dress is probably comfortable af, which makes it extremely manly.

Global warming is fine. Fuck every single one of these fish.

For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand and slap your brother, slap the needy and the poor, in your land.’

Whatever, everyone’s at least a little bit top

I can’t wait until Biden runs for president and everyone’s like, “Well, he’s not Donald Trump so this is fine #resist.” Republicans win 2020, Donald has a heart attack, and suddenly we’re being led by an iPad with Goatse on it.

Very few things make me smile uncontrollably. Well done, Ryan Reynolds.

Look, everyone’s a little stressed. There’s a lot of shootings and bombings going on. There’s white nationalist fear-mongering, a non-stop stream of political propaganda and news about a crumbling democracy, and California is on fire again. Everyone copes in their own way and that’s what Twitter is for. We used to…

Oh, I like it. Let the infighting begin. She’s the wrong race! He’s the wrong gender! Too rich! Not rich enough! Too divisive! Not divisive enough! No one will be left untarnished. Time to get real invested in giving strangers power.