lol literally nothing is less interesting than minute intra-Democrat squabbles. “Alexa Octavius protests the establishment...but then compliments the establishment?! What is going on this is madness”

We will now be treated to endless cable news shots of overworked election officials staring inscrutably at a mountain of ballots, while the rest of the country begs for the sweet release of death.

“MARK ZUCKERBERG AND MITCH MCCONNELL CAUGHT FUCKING CARIBOU—ENDANGERED ONES, AND THEY KILLED THEM AT THE END.”

Ugh it’s all just so uncreative. There are so many better things to yell in a theater. “All hail Gorflax! Surrender your fluids to him or be cast down to the diamond depths!”

Socialist pearl-clutching. Just take the win.

lol boating is so lame. Millenials are into quality activities, like Inverse Low-Altitude Paragliding or Augmented-Reality Cave Diving. Wake me up when a boat can shatter my feeble understanding of time and space

I just don’t know what I should spend on nowadays! I need to donate to my local militia so that my cul-de-sac isn’t overrun, I need to donate to my church in order to fight all of the perverts everywhere, I need to donate to Dave on the school board so my children aren’t taught that Islam is The Way, and now the NRA…

“Ok what’s happening here is the mid-field sideline coach is giving the forward defense a yellow card, increasing the penalty marker by three minutes. But the primary referee can dispute the marker with a checkered flag, rendering the play inadmissible and that’s how we’ll repeal the Affordable Care Act.”

I dunno, young Republicans are showing an energy not seen in almost eighty years:

We are creeping ever closer to “God wrote the Second Amendment” and I cannot wait

“Troops, your job here is to support our troops. Short term: this wire. Long term: moar wire i guess

I think it’s pretty clear: “Investigation, no investigation, whatever. Chaos reigns.”

Yeah it’s all fun and games until the coyotes catch wind of these spoils. Tentopolis, Tentingham, The City of Tent, ravaged and gone. Winter is coming

It’s a well-known setup: one foot holds a cell phone while the other foot commits cyber-crimes. 

mailman-murdering

“Whaaat we’ll just go bankrupt then call dad. It has worked 100% of the time for me and now I’m Mr. President. Get me a non-alcoholic martini *wink*”

Uh that dress is probably comfortable af, which makes it extremely manly.

For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand and slap your brother, slap the needy and the poor, in your land.’

Whatever, everyone’s at least a little bit top

I can’t wait until Biden runs for president and everyone’s like, “Well, he’s not Donald Trump so this is fine #resist.” Republicans win 2020, Donald has a heart attack, and suddenly we’re being led by an iPad with Goatse on it.