You clearly have not met my husband’s best friend, whose farts are both loud and vile. It’s not endearing, and 100% explains why he’s single and almost 50. 

Kim Jong’s Toddler woke up with a sore throat and fever, so instead of going to my cousin’s house for Thanksgiving, we’re quarantined at home with my nervous husband hovering and freaking out because kidlet doesn’t want to eat. It’s  going to be be a looooong day.

Or the bullshit of being the scapegoat to cover up your husband’s fallout with his brother. Woman deserves an award, or at least a spa day.

I don’t even want to know, certainly not enough to have “Youtuber cat anus” fuck up my targeted ads for the next 6 months.

I think when I was about 10 my mom let me rent it without knowing what it was because it was in the Disney section at the video store. My friend who lived next door and I watched it and it scared the shit out of us. I think I’ve only watched it a few times, but it definitely left an impression.

Poor Larry, he’s Hemsworth-less. How else do you explain him reading You’re Not So Bad: A Guide to Building Confidence for the Hopelessly Mediocre ?

Larry Hemsworth, of course.

I want “The Watcher in the Woods”, which I still can’t believe was a Disney movie marketed towards children. Bette Davis was terrifying in it. That whole movie was terrifying.

I’ll have to check out a Lisa Eldridge. I don’t do a lot of YouTube watching, but I enjoy Bernadette and Li Ziqi a lot. They both have a very calming, ASMR, Bob Ross or Mister Rogers vibe that I love. I remember seeing a comment on one of Bernadette’s videos that was like “I’m a 60 year old man, I’ve never so much as…

Can I stand next to you and set up some sort of “Wanted”, bullet curving, situation? Because I want out too.

Also, isn’t at least one of them (probably both) incredibly racist and misogynistic? PASS.

If you need a palate cleanser (Get it? Palate? Palette? Eh, eh??), Bernadette Banner has the most delightful YouTube channel in existence. It’s the one corner of the internet that is not designed for evil.

Why would anyone want to look like these two gumballs? Neither of them look good, certainly not good enough to spend $50+ on a palette to emulate.

Humanity deserves to fail if this is the philosophical quandary we’re currently faced with: whether to wear a perfectly functioning coat or not because it’s SO last season. No wonder the fashion industry is the number 2 polluter.  

Okay, but duck sex is bizarre at best, and horrifying at worst. There are more male ducks than female ducks, so desperate males will resort to gang raping female ducks, sometimes to great injury or even death of the female. As a defense mechanism, female ducks have developed vaginal canals that are shaped like a…

Oh man, now I know what to get my cousin for Christmas. But which right wing failed political figure should I get to torture her? And what should they say? 

If you give me two guesses, I don’t think I’ll need the second one.

Tons of youtube tutorials, and it’s easily the most accessible craft with the shallowest learning curve. If you can count to 50, and draw an “X”, you can cross stitch. The hardest part is threading the needle. Also, ladies love it when men cross stitch in public, it’s a great conversation starter. If you like it after…

That son of a bitch is astute.