And now I can’t unsee it.

I don’t know, I used to be able to drink whatever I wanted in whatever quantity I wanted and be completely fine the next day. Then 30 hit. Then I had a baby and didn’t drink for 2 years. Now if I have more than two drinks, or any alcoholic drink with sugar in it, I have a hangover the next day. It’s not necessarily…

I’ve only made the mistake of getting wasted once (which after not drinking for 2 years only takes like 3 drinks) since having kids. I went out, my husband stayed home, but first thing in the morning guess who really wanted to see mama? Unless you have a plan in place where you don’t have to be responsible for the…

Why can’t I say fork?

Dead.

It doesn’t make sense, right? Because you think, hey, I know pineapple isn’t technically citrus, but it’s kind of like citrus, and booze and citrus are amazing together. What could go wrong? Oh my sweet summer child, everything. Everything could go wrong.

Thanks! I will have to look into it. Sinus infections are not a regular thing for me thankfully, but I’ve been sick so often with germs my kid brings home, this might be a worthwhile investment.

I’m so irritated and mad right now. I’ve been sick for about a week, and I’m 99% sure my head cold has morphed into a sinus infection because I can blow my nose for 10 minutes straight and still get boogers, and my face feels like it’s about to explode. Anyways, my husband had plans to go do a tour of a pot farm today…

I picked my screen name when my father was still alive, and I knew he would disapprove of me using my real name, so I substituted “angst” to represent my conflicted feelings surrounding the prospect of taking over his empire.

My sister’s standard poodle ate an entire beach towel once. They didn’t realize it until it started shitting long, hot pink, strings. That required surgery to get out. 

It always tastes like seawater to me. Thick seawater.

I have two. One if the grossest thing I have ever swallowed, the other is one of those childhood trauma moments I still think about occasionally.

Remember, this is who you’re fighting over ladies: a man who doesn’t understand how hats work.

Fingers crossed it’s the latter. 

But Emily Blunt did Lip Synch Battle because it was a game that she, her husband, and Stephen Merchant created and used to play in their living room when they were drunk at dinner parties. Then they played it with Fallon, now it’s a whole thing. She’s the hipster of lip synch battles, she did it before it was cool.

Fuck him somewhere very uncomfortable.

Sudden? Haven’t they been dating for like a decade?

My two year old son cried for like 10 minutes last night because he thought a cat on instagram looked sad. I don’t think I can ever show him this movie.