Can I get one with boob holes so I can sleep on my stomach?

OMG but what if they make us follow her stupid terrible life at home! And more Larry!! GOD LARRY WHY DON'T YOU JUST SWALLOW YOUR OWN DAMN TONGUE ALREADY.

PLEASE LET PIPER BE NEXT PLEASE.

I had the morning after pill 4 times in the UK between 17 and 21, and you know how I did it every single time?

Walked into pharmacy

She's totally going to read this. She reads all your articles. It's like she's obsessed with you or something. A BIG LESBIAN CRUSH ON YOU.

They really missed an opportunity to write "I'll never tire of you" on it.

She should just save it for her divorce party. Because that would actually be kind of hilarious. And clearly, a tire wedding cake is a harbinger of terrible things to come.

This is SO freaking cute!

You don't. Your spouse does.

No, she's not January Jones. That's because she's a talented performer.

Putting aside how strange and ridiculous your comment is, January Jones?! That's the first red carpet actress to pop into your head? Who thinks of January Jones?

Aaaah, for the days when the fedora was a sign of a hot archaeologist. *sigh*.

They won't be vegetarians once they get a taste of some Swedish meatballs.

Sounds like you're teaching your son valuable skills like how to have sex quietly, how to tell if your parents are really asleep, how to clean up quickly and discreetly and to develop a good poker face.

Oh, you want co-ed sleepovers?

Laxatives?

And then she announced that none of the roommates was allowed to have alcohol in the house.

I am not religious. I do not understand how a "women experiencing a completely natural biological phenomenon aren't allowed to participate in our ceremony/be in our religion/do this/that/the other thing" clause is not just straight-up outdated-ass bigotry on the part of a religion. I need this explained to me.

I think we can safely say the "no religious stuff on your period" rule is NOT to honor the women. I don't even need to hear what religion it is. It doesn't matter.

Although I have no desire to have a child, I find your public food consumptuon equally disgusting, and kindly ask you dine in the bathroom.