No repercussions? So he can only play the drums one time?

Did he become the machine against which they raged?

This: “the kid with the overstuffed backpack who would Naruto-run to Algebra class.” killed me. Can’t wait for the netflix or prime video feature. 

Obligatory:

“fondness for crafts, horses, and supernatural crime shows”

“The letter J wasn’t invented until 1630"

THE BON APPETIT TEST KITCHEN PERSONALITIES ARE TECHNICALLY YOUTUBERS AND REDEEM THE ENTIRE SITE!!! A HILL I WILL DIE ON

This is why he was adopted.

Can we talk about the nonsense that is the Tinkerbell universe? Where to start? Fairies need both wings and pixie dust to fly, but humans can fly with just pixie dust. Are wings an impediment to flying somehow? Also, Tinkerbell essentially brought the industrial revolution to a guild society, and when Zarina made…

Sounds like the debates my wife and I used to have about Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.

What I don’t get is how this woman claims getting the bike “changed her.” There is no visible way in which she has changed over the year. She was already thin and toned. I guess she just gets up earlier now?

A) are you making up silly shit, and B) if not, what is fucking wrong with your mom?

I feel like this article, though good, is a diversion from the all-sports, all the time direction that your Jez Investigates article has established. If I want to read stuff that’s not about sports, I’ll go look in the Deadspin archives.

Also, that is a heel that has shoes.

It would be a Music City Miracle if he survived that one.

I giddily look forward to the day that Dancing With the Stars declines his agent’s offer to appear as a contestant. I will make a big fucking unfrosted white cake, push two little chocolate chips into the spongey top, and pretend I am eating his stupid head.

I’m sorry but Keenan is the best cast member! 

Dude...please...stop making us look at this Dr. Moreau musical.

There are three things that make a drink a Dark and Stormy and you managed to miss two of the three and add a whole bunch more unnecessary stuff.