Would you say they can’t get no....Satisfactory resolution to this situation?

Every fifty years you can count on a Rolling Stones concert in San Francisco ending in a fracas. Time is on their side.

It’s like my Gramps used to say, “Darned if you do, Darnold if you don’t...”

Man, we’ve really got to figure out a way to give Tom Brady’s kids mono. 

My girlfriend’s sister had mono when we were all in college. I was terrified I’d get it because my girlfriend was the super jealous type and she would have accused me of kissing her sister or something. And the last thing I’d want is my girlfriend yelling at me because then my wife would find out.

Y'know, I thought I had mono once for an entire year. Turns out I was just really bored.

Should’ve kept him away from Joe Namath.

I believe Jamarcus Russell has already staked out that ground. 

In the four minute video, we’re shown three different paintings of Dwight Howard as Superman.

“Bush is also surprisingly better than I remember,” is something Trump had made us all think. 

I need to drop about 20 pounds, and this fucking toenail teeth thing is going to help me do it.

Corona tastes like cat piss and pennies.

Corona isn’t even the best cheap Mexican beer. Corona is bad, skunk beer, and is only saved by adding lime juice, which is delicious in just about anything.

To each their own I guess but Corona is neither a cheap beer nor is it a particularly good beer. Its twice the cost of most American macro-brews and its uniformly skunked because its shipped and sold in clear bottles. It feels like its more refreshing than it is because of that clear bottle, its obnoxious millennial…

Would you rather have toenails for teeth, or teeth for toenails?

Yeah, that’s always been my rule of thumb. If you’re watching a game, at the stadium or at home, go ahead with “We should have scored” or “The Refs are screwing us”.

“Steeler Nation”

On a totally unrelated note, I get searing pain in my jaw anytime I drink cold liquid. So weird!

Has a girlfriend who’s a model, but she lives in Canada and that’s why nobody has met her.

Gropes women, blatantly lies, loves Russia...