This year's Oscar gift bags were worth $160,000! Except for Patricia Arquette's which was worth only $128,000

see?

Unthinking Libs are waaaay more apt to immediately jump to extreme insults in online conversations than Cons are, no?

What exactly makes me a misogynist? I'll grant you "douche bag".

What's happening is that an entire room of self-important people, who think that people care what they think, are clapping wildly thinking that women in equal careers with equal education and experience are actually earning 22% less than men, when of course, that is not anywhere close to being true.

To tell them apart, the Rangers have officially named the younger, softer Odor, "Feminine"

On Weekend Update David Spade put up a picture of Murphy and said, "Look! A falling star!"

His suit is so white he wouldn't recruit it

it took less than 15 seconds to get it off

WHY DOESN'T THE SARLACC PIT HAVE GUARDRAILS???

I was at that Joe Niekro game and saw the thing fly out. HOWEVA'... it's kind of dumb to think he was actually using the emery board to doctor the ball. He said he used it in the dugout to file his fingernails, which for a knuckleball pitcher is totally believable. What's not believable is that he'd pull it out on…

In my country, dog fists you!

Underarm hair? Czech

They didn't do a lot of czeching for steroids in Eastern Bloc countries back then

nooo, ironic that I say you don't have to reply with something unfunny while doing that exact same thing.

This is the kind of reply I knew was coming. Freaking irony

This is why Rush Limbaugh likes to weigh himself on cold days

That blank space that pops up when you click "reply" doesn't have to be filled in, you know.

Man, I had to read this column with pot holders

Had to go back and check if that "couples crush" letter was written by a Doug Heffernan.