I have no idea why the Dolphins even drafted Player B, he's terrible.

That was nice of Dwight Howard.

How certain is the writer that Derek Jeter is dead?

"Yes! They finally come with extra long sleeves!"

Honestly I wanted him to win and retire like a champ.

The Year of Daisy! She's the superior princess and everybody knows it!

Bynum: RAINDROPS!

I'll thank you to stop borrowing plotlines from my NFL fanfic Tumblr without attribution.

"Jeremy Abbott's lookin' real shaken up here—wait! What's that? [Edvard Grieg's Piano Sonata in E minor plays] Bah gawd! It's Gracie Gold's music!"

I, for one, would like to applaud Russia for taking the initiative to ban Molotov cocktails in Sochi bathrooms. Explosive diarrhea can be a major health hazard.

...not all man holes are always covered

I mistook the title as "in Video Games" and imagined someone driving a truck full of stolen video games to Gamestop and getting a measly $316 in store credit for it.

There are higher states of existence.

And I will avenge my brother's death by...vandalizing his grave site?

They should have called it Octodad 2 the re-tentacling

"This seemed funnier back in January"

Sorry guys, but you got scooped on the idea of putting a bunch of absurd trade proposals in one place: https://twitter.com/BillSimmons

You've sat next to Pete Carroll on a flight?

[takes a shot]