...i reconfigured google's new self driving car to drive 15mph over the speed limit with no occupants inside, just to stunt on cops.

i named my sea vessel "clandestine cargo" just to fuck with the DEA.

sunlight bled into the cloister awakening kerry to the slow murmuring cacophony echoed study outside his door. the floor of mismatched cobblestone pressed cold into his feet as he dressed himself in what looked like potato bags to kerry. some strange cultist religious frock of a cream color. shoving at the large oak…

bill addingsly stood in the threshold of his garage, polishing his 2007 BMW under a lazy sunday sky. as he scrubbed his beautiful car, he remembered the first time he drove the car home so proud and smiling with an anxious want to show it off. he remembered taking his wife to the Basil Leaf Cafe and how careful she…

in celebration of nikola's day of birth, i drove my tesla model S to the Kwikshop and doused the roof of the coupe with premium gasoline. onlookers stood and gawked as gas poured over the car and spilled onto the lot. "guys am i doing this right? am i doing this right?" i yelled with sarcastic panic, before bouncing…

back in college, they called me DJ twindixie. i heard the nickname first as i reclined in a hammock that i had installed inside my atelier. "graham, did you just call me DJ twindixie?" i asked as i placed my hands behind my head in a relaxed pandiculation. graham explained to me that the campus had been referring to…

i just popped in over at bill addingsly's office. "hey bill. - kerry" i greeted him with. he rose from behind his desk intently and shook my hand with both of his. "hey kerry, i wondered if you even knew who i was earlier. i used to be your boss, silly!" i answered him with, "yeah, bill of course i remember. do you…

i was once marooned on a beach near the city of aden, yemen by somoli pirates who had robbed me of everything and left me naked and unconscious. fortunately my rectum remained intact, and i used the cocaine stashed within as currency to nickel and dime my way to istanbul. once safely in the city, i began trying to…

the money became almost a fashion accessory for kerry. stuffing his pockets with heaping wads of cash that caused his pants to fit snugly, and the hips of his slacks to bulge conspicuously, he would walk about town. these cash engorged pockets were never delved into for payment, as he kept a AmEx Black card in his…

i packed a massive amount of colombian bam bam into a shipment of agriculture grade manure, on its way from the city of uribia to brownsville, texas. once received in texas, a man by the name of daniel piedmont will sit on the package for no less than 65 days. he will be given a very competitive compensation for his…

bill addingsly was kean to kerry's usurpation of the empire, and the rumblings of a plan began to stir inside his balding cranium.

a man of quaint stature and humble attire approached me at the coffee pot just now, outside my office walls. he inquired about my sprawling estate i had purchased less than a year ago - he asked, "how are the new digs out east?" i leaned closer to study his face, trying to jar some memory of his identity. after a…

i commissioned estonian composer Erkki-Sven Tüür to compose an ethereal symphonic melody that resonates warmly within the walls of my office, whenever my office phone rings. needless to say, after installation of the ringtone, i circulated a memo to the entire office reading simply "your move, bitches. - Kerry Kilos"

i spent yesterday afternoon experimenting with varying cocaine potencies and methods of administration on a vagrant hippie. for a span of about 6 minutes, he was entranced in a shamanistic state and rambling in perfectly spoken mandarin chinese. i then followed suit with the same dosing and we spent the remainder of…

takes me about an hour to get warmed up...give me a few. my best work happens between the hours of 10 and 1 am.

walked through the office this morning with an inescapable air of confidence, even more flagrant than usual. you see my friends, today i get to realize the full range of the superiority that comes with high-level partnership. i have a meeting with adrian from marketing today, where i will be letting him know he is…

last night i awoke from a deep sleep to what i believed to be a violent scream of horror. it was one of those situations where you weren't sure you had thought you heard something honestly, or if you had only dreamt it. urging myself to believe the latter, i tried to return to sleep. around fifteen minutes of tossing…

i was coming down the drive this morning, when i was impeded by my sculpted iron gate. usually this gate, equipped with motion sensing capabilities, flings ajar as my jaguar F-type approaches. i slowly inched toward it, expecting it to comply, but to no effect. climbing out the car, i spied one of the lawn boys…

many do for some reason...

oddly, i find the postconstructivism that characterized the early-stalinistic era (at least architecturally) comforting in its minimalist approach to utilitarianism. placing function highly above form in a way only socialism could accomplish.