For anyone who hasn’t seen it yet: I forgot my phone

He is at fault. Let us never doubt this nor underestimate his evil. Sharon was taken from us by his sheer awfulness.

I keep having this dream where Donald Trump dies before the electoral college votes. And then somebody gives Hillary the win because she won the popular vote.

Exactly. We act as if it were the candidates who at fault. Trump is nothing more than a culmination of awfulness in this country. I hate his supporters. He is and has always been a grifter of the highest order. A close look at his dealings and that lays bare everything about him and his family. The people who voted…

while i cannot definitively say that, i can say that 60,375,961 of my fellow americans voted for the right to not get any smarter.

you know what i will miss most about obama?

We got another one! Bwahahaha!

In line at the grocery this morning, I saw the new issue of People magazine. I audibly “tsked”. The man in line in front of me turned and nodded. His young daughter announced “WE voted for Hillary!” Her dad prodded, “And why?” The child answered “Because she’s smart and nice, and he’s dumb and stupid.” So these two…

Same.every Trump supportingmember of my family is getting a membership to the NAACP this holiday season. And Im answering every hateful post they make on sociel media. No more unfollow/unfrinding for me. Time to educate

My friend one pooped a single poop that ended up making a big healthy circle in the bowl. She took a picture. I am ashamed of how bad I wanted to see it once I heard of it (though, being a goddamn lady, I protested and pretended I didn’t want to see). Luckily she is as weird as I am, and insisted that I look. And her…

No need to dig it out. Cheap nursing trick I learned in school years ago. Place your thumb or forefinger inside your vagina and press against the wall adjacent to your rectum. If it’s hard poop, press firmly on the lumps - you can actually feel them - until you coax them out gently. A little vaseline placed just…

I can’t believe that I have yet to see any commentary that acknowledges that Brits call farts “trumps”.

My 10yr-old daughter and I love potty humor and have decided that whenever we are going to announce that we are going to take a crap it shall henceforth be exclaimed, “I’m going to take a Trump!” Or, “Don’t go in there, I just took a steamy Trump!” Or, “Hey dad, if you’re gonna stink up the bathroom with a massive…

Everybody sharts.... sometime

This is extremely embarrassing, but I sharted on my way home from work on Wednesday. I had stress poops all day at work and I just wasn’t expecting it. Trump made me dump (in my pants) :(

Anybody else been gassy? I was so gassy at work yesterday that when some guy was being a colossal douche I would pass by him and quietly cropdust him. Seriously I did it at least four times over the course of a day.

Birth control is not 100% effective, so you are playing Russian Roulette.

Dear Jezebel Staff:

I bet Melania did!