*No side-eye against folks for whom shaved or trimmed pubic regions is source of pleasure — indeed, I do it on occasion — but that + pits +legs +, increasingly, arms (seriously people on the bus who as me why I don’t shave my arms, do fuck all the way off) is an absurd use of a lotta women’s time. I know I’d rather…

My favorite is when I’m all, “stuff that’s not polite to discuss at the table,” (because of course the questions always come when we’re eating) and they respond, “No, really, tell me.” My usual answer is something along the lines of “gastrointestinal issues immediately, autoimmune flare issues long-term,” but then…

Somewhat unrelated, my dog can’t eat meat—he has portosystemic liver shunt disease and can’t tolerate the protein. If you want to be looked at like an asshole, try going into a pet store and asking for vegetarian food for your dog. The folks behind the counter get it, but there’s always serious side-eye from the other…

I have celiac disease and whenever people are like ‘lol, gluten, lol, you can eat some of it!’ I threaten to throw up on their shoes.

#NotAllBeards

Why do people who don’t have allergies/dietary restrictions feel the need to play the “what would happen if you ate this” game? i have had two colon resection and there’s a bunch of shit I’m not supposed to eat. I probably won’t die if someone slips a little flour or dairy in my food but too much can be very painful…

This is what happens when my husband shaves his beard

What is it with people and tomatoes? I have severe acid reflux, so I get sick if my food is too acidic. If I eat tomatoes I end up with heartburn and stomach aches that take hours to calm down. Yet my classmates looked at me like I had two heads when I told them I don't like ketchup.

I have an allergy to raw tomatoes (among other things). One of my “friends” refused to believe that someone could be allergic to tomatoes at all, much less just raw ones. She decided to test me by serving me a burrito with tomatoes hidden inside it. Thank goodness my allergy isn’t a life threatening variety. Thanks…

I don’t know why more people don’t put down the lid before flushing. Maybe it’s easy for me to remember ‘cause I keep mine down all the time (gross cat who will drink from toilets), but, I mean, once you know about aerosolization... who wouldn’t? That spray dries in no time and the bacteria die, it’s not gonna kill…

When a man’s face melts like that while he’s looking at a small animal...

Maybe kitten poo.

“ cocaine and dookie “

Every time you flush a toilet, it releases an aerosol spray of tiny tainted water droplets. Mythbusters proved this.

I call bullshit on this. Like all things, if your hygiene is poor without a beard, it will be poor with a beard. There is no reason ANY man’s beard should contain fecal matter. NONE. Even if you go down on someone and they’re not having the freshest of days, you STILL wash your beard, you nasty fucker. If you change a…

Add kittens to the mix and I don’t care WHAT’S in that beard.

And I was just starting to find them attractive too.

I had a coworker (who was otherwise an excellent server) get fired because he told someone a dish was nut-free when it actually had a cashew spread on it. We were busy, and he forgot, but it was extremely careless. He didn’t even bother to mention the allergy to the kitchen. I saw her get carted off in an ambulance on…