Any Trump statement that includes a noun, verb, adjective, or adverb = a lie.

I need to go take a dip in a bleach vat at the very thought. 

I knew a guy in the Air Force that used to jerk off in the bathroom so much that would get an erection every time somebody farted.

A rather swift lesson in why we distinguish domestic violence from other forms.

Oh god, what if that’s part of what he likes? (I immediately regret posting this. I’m so sorry everyone.)

What’s the worst thing? Talking. It’s not a place for talking. Keep your mouth shut and concentrate on your work.

EDIT: There’s a guy in my office who was caught working in there. He’d take his files in there and carry on working while taking a shit. His manager, then director, and then the CEO had to tell him to stop.

H…

Great job filling in for Drew, but the lack of typos is jarring. 

Complain and protest to HR that I supposedly don’t belong in it then try to block me from entering/leaving it. Maybe y’all should focus on feckin flushing the toilet and washing your nasty hands instead of being a jerk.

Seagal calmly waits in the paint, a tiger whose instincts to strike have been satiated by a recent meal.

One time when I used the bathroom at university, whomever was in the stall next to me was watching watching porn on his phone at full volume (and, I presume, jerking off - else what’s the point of watching porn?)

I’m not one to judge, but I didn’t want to share in that. I was just trying to take a shit, man.

I used to work with a guy who would often eat in the bathroom. Maybe like once a month, I would see him standing at the sink with a plate of food.. He would put the plate on the counter next to the sink. And he would eat his food there. It was usually when the company bought us lunch. And more often than not, our…

It’s always been my opinion that someone talking on their phone in a public restroom is the one shouldering all the risk. I couldn’t care less if someone was having a phone conversation in the stall next to mine. They in turn though don’t get to complain when I hope to unleash the loudest bowel movement of my…

I’ll really miss his “Suitcase of courage”

That 1985 stage where he crashed and finished last, may be among the most courageous efforts in the history of sport.

“Hand of Dog” as it’s known in Argentina

We need to re-open the voting for the Deadspin Awards because this dog is clearly the sports person of the year. 

He’s on loan from Newell’s Good Boys.

Clearly @ViralMeningitis is one of KD’s burner Twitter handles and this is elaborate shade.

Well, they were making that wage plus tips, so it’s not on-face illegal. 

I don’t think hoping to make a reasonable wage is, to use your eloquent term, retarded. These employees weren’t necessarily interested in opening a brewery; they’re retail workers whose pay was cut seemingly overnight.