Spicey is too busy huddled in the corner crying and sucking his thumb. Maybe we can get crooked Hillary to take his job? She can convert the East Wing into her own private server farm.

Librarian Ghost is a little more substantial than I am.

Well, prolonged exposure to me has been known to cause skin cancer . . .

What? You're going to remove the flight of stairs between me and the Oval Office? Nooooooo!

If you're looking for my soul, perhaps you could try searching for it in Hillary Clinton's fifty billion zillion deleted emails.

I would leave if Steve Bannon didn't have me chained up in a gold bikini.

Hey! I've have you know that there were 1.2 million people at the inauguration for my gimmick account.

Well, you know, this was a change election, and the President is now following through by changing the comments system. And yes, I do think this is a good use of the President's time. Clearly our online communications system is broken if Hillary Clinton can hide twelve billion illegal emails from Director Comey.

Hmmmm. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to insult Samsung. Let me check Mr. Trump's list of branding deals before I respond.

Is it the party with the emails? It's the party with the emails, right?

If the President figures out which closet I've stashed the nuclear football in, then there won't be a post-Trump anything.

Really? Because it makes me cry myself to sleep while cradling a copy of the Federalist Papers.

Actually, they will, as soon as we finish replacing the American working class with automation. The children are for climbing inside the machines and replacing broken parts a la Snowpiercer.

No, it isn't. I happen to know at least one entitled, 74 year old, white trust fund brat who suspects that the Earth isn't actually round. I think it's more of a listens to Alex Jones thing.

Listen, you have your facts, and I have my faxts*.

Okay, maybe they didn't tell you this in the elite liberal media, but we're actually not 'completely erasing' the Department of Education. We're just refocusing it and giving it the new name 'Department of Child Labor'.

maybe mute the big orange idiot.

Fake News! Donald doesn't do cocaine. I don't even know what it is that Donald uses.

A merger? Not on my watch! This administration is a staunch advocate of anti-trust legislation when reality forgets to pay it's corporate bribes.

be rich