Impossible. I've been in my rehydration pod for the last four months.

No, that's because the Republican Party is cravenly subservient to wealthy and corporate interest who don't care about innovation, expression or our future even only five years down the road if they can squeeze out a few more drops of petty cash today. Trump is just a boorish narcissist who's reality show expertise…

I'll have you know that the President has excellent relations with Nigeria. Or as he pronounces it, Nigge[LOUD STATIC].

For the record, Donald Sr. would have happily attended this meeting, but I managed to save this administration from explicit treason by scheduling it at the top of a flight of chairs.

Listen, Donnie Jr. was just trying to get the Russians to hand over Hillary Clinton's sex quintillion missing emails that she deleted because they were about trying to destroy America.

Fun Fact: I actually didn't make that. It was courtesy of another member of the lovely A.V. Club commentariat. However, in the grand tradition of the Trump White House, I would be more than happy to take all the credit for it!

Well, yes, we are accumulating a great deal of interest from our deal to license the American population to China.

Funny. Those are the exact same stages that I go through whenever I see Donald in front of the television cameras.

Oh, that won't be a problem.

We brought that up in the latest strategy session, but then Donnie Jr. and Eric stared ejaculating everywhere and it was awkward for everybody.

Though we'll take them stupid too.

I hear Trump voters.

Unless you live next to Zac Efron, there's really no excuse for coveting your neighbor's ass.

No, that's what we call the Bill of Rights.

Pshhh. You can have all the minorities in the world, but they can't vote once they've been melted down into a gelatinous solution to stuff Trump Industries latest brand of FATCHUMP brand lard smoothies.

Listen, until y'all get me under oath, I'm gonna keep lying to you. And I just rubbed myself down with Crisco, so those Federal Marshalls are gonna have a hell of a time getting a grip on me.

Did someone say nascent fascist cheerleader? Because you know that's basically my batsignal.

Okay, but in my defense, there is no discernible difference between parody and reality in real life either.

Still posting, in the flesh! Well, in the grim, emaciated, sullen parody of the flesh.

Actually, it was pretty terrible. Eric Trump accidentally nailed his genitalia to a crossbeam.